October 4, 2023
Cindy Lopez:
Welcome. My name is Cindy Lopez, the host of this CHC podcast, Voices of Compassion. We hope you find a little courage, feel connected and experience compassion every time you listen. In a world where ADHD is often overshadowed by its challenges, this episode offers a refreshing perspective that focuses on uncovering its strengths. Listen now for an insightful conversation with Ross Loofborough, a millennial who not only lives with ADHD, but thrives. Through Ross’s lived experience, we gain a unique vantage point that highlights the importance of understanding and harnessing the inherent strengths of ADHD, all while navigating its inevitable challenges. Ross shares his journey with ADHD openly with personal insights and stories, offering a firsthand account of how ADHD has shaped his life in unexpected and empowering ways.
Ross, thank you so much for joining us today. It’s not your first time with us, and we’re happy to have you back. First though, let’s hear a little bit more from you. Talk a little bit about yourself.
Ross Loofbourrow:
Excited to be here, Cindy. Thanks for having me. I am the only ADHD high performance coach globally, and what I do is I help elevate individuals who are not only looking to manage their ADHD, but really go beyond just managing it and really help them optimize their ADHD brains for success, well-being and relationships in their life and really like coach and guide them into helping transform their ADHD into that superpower that it’s capable of being so they can really achieve extraordinary things in their life.
Cindy Lopez:
So Ross, well, since we’ve had you on our podcast previously, you’ve done some work around ADHD around coaching, high performance coaching, and I think you’ve changed a little bit in terms of your outlook and your thinking. So let’s talk about that for a minute. Describe your current thinking about ADHD.
Ross Loofbourrow:
I really believe ADHD doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your brain, chemically, like, it’s just set up differently and that comes with some incredible challenges that are going to affect most areas of your life if not understood, if not harnessed, if not controlled, if not managed, if not optimized then an ADHD brain can absolutely wreak a lot of havoc; but, if you do put in the work to understand it, to really unlock the strengths that I truly believe are gifts for all ADHDers out there, your life can be one where you are thriving, where you are joyful, where you are living into more of who you are, instead of trying to be something you’re not. So I still feel like that’s not changed, but something that has changed just around the fact that I’ve recognized after going through a really intensive education this past year to get my ADHD life coaching certification, I’ve made a little cohort with ADHDers from all across the globe, all these adults with ADHD, and all of them are very different. We’re all super different. And that was a gut check moment for me because it just made me recognize that when you’ve met one ADHDer, you’ve simply met one, congratulations, because the scope of ADHDers and what we’re like and how ADHD manifests in terms of our personality and essentially like, you know, our own quirks and how we come across the world is very unique for each individual.
Cindy Lopez:
I know when we were talking about this before, you’ve now as an adult talked with more adults with ADHD and those who were diagnosed as adults. Can you talk about that, like what you think now as you see people who’ve been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult versus your experience in terms of being diagnosed as a child?
Ross Loofbourrow:
Yeah, it’s been illuminating for me to meet and speak with more ADHD adults in the past year and spend more time with ADHD adults than I’ve really ever spent in a concentrated amount of time in my life, and what I’ve gathered from the ADHD adult community is that like most folks who are ADHD or who are seeking treatment, who are seeking knowledge, who are seeking support, who want to understand it, a huge chunk of them were not diagnosed as kids. They’ve only found out in recent years in their twenties or their thirties or their forties, fifties, sixties, that oh my goodness, this is the thing. This is why I always have been wondering what the heck is wrong with me, like why are these things so hard for me? Why am I such an oddball? Why do I stand out in these ways? And they’ve gone their entire life not knowing, feeling crazy and to all of a sudden know; it’s jarring, and they also look back and they’ve told me that I wish, I wish I would have known when I was a kid. If I only would have known when I was a kid, it could have saved me a lifetime, a lifetime of damage and trauma and frustration and anger and just straight up confusion around why life is so chaotic and crazy for me. Like, why has that been the case?
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah, it’s interesting too because in our work at CHC we work a lot with kids, parents, children, teens, young adults and their families. And I think, for parents who are trying to figure out how to support their kids, there’s still some, “do I really want to label my child with this? Is this something I really want my child to have to deal with for the rest of their life?” And, you know, like, what will it mean for my child to have this diagnosis? So, Ross, I know you’re a father now.
Ross Loofbourrow:
Yeah.
Cindy Lopez:
f you had questions about your child, would you want her to get evaluated and to possibly be diagnosed with ADHD?
Ross Loofbourrow:
Yes, I’m a proud girl dad. My daughter is actually turning four years old in the next week, in fact. And yeah, this is something that my wife and I have already started to confront is the fact that our daughter is extremely high spirited. She is very different than most other kids that we’ve come across that are her age. And that presents a lot of excitement and joy and a lot of extra stress and a lot of extra hardship on us as parents, and we know that knowing more is simply going to equip us and give us a direction to head in as parents. We are overwhelmed by information today, but as a parent, if I can direct my efforts of what I learn, if I can direct my efforts of the experts I want to have in my corner, the other people I’d like to surround myself with who understand what I’m going through, who can support me because they authentically know and they get it, like that’s a huge win. Now, at the same time, even being somebody that was diagnosed in second grade, it’s even hard for me to take that step. It’s a step we’re going to take, but there is still such a weight that comes for people and parents with knowing that if I go down this road of evaluation, I might hear something that I don’t like, I might learn something that adds more complexity to my life and to those parents, like what I would just tell you is number one, you’re not crazy for feeling that way, but just consider, is it really going to make things more complex than not knowing? Because knowing will at least give you the reasons, it will give you the ability to understand and start the journey, which is lifelong of equipping this child to know who they are, right? Potentially keep their self-esteem intact, to know as a parent that you are likely going to be the most important reason, maybe the sole reason that your child gets going on the right foot and stays on the right track and keeps their self-esteem intact, as a mom or dad, you likely are going to be the reason that that happens for them, versus them just being inundated and completely sabotaged by the world’s thoughts, and judgments, and fears, and misunderstandings of them, and the way their brain works and how that comes out in their life.
Cindy Lopez:
Talking with a lot of parents, I see all kinds of parents and parents of children they’re trying to figure out why, right? Their challenges, they don’t know what they are, and it’s exhausting when you don’t have a diagnosis, and you’re spending all this time and energy working to figure it out. You and I talked about this previously, wouldn’t you want to know what’s getting in the way? Wouldn’t you want to know and be able to help your child and for parents, giving their child some sense of agency around what’s going on with them and their challenges. So Ross, what was your view of ADHD when you were growing up? What did it feel like to be a kid or student with ADHD?
Ross Loofbourrow:
Well first of all no kid wants to be different. I mean, that is just built into the DNA of childhood is, man, if you can fit in, if you can not be noticed, like, you know, that’s ideal, right? Too much attention and too much of the wrong type of attention is a kid’s worst nightmare. You know being made fun of or taunted that is something every kid is trying to avoid and typically being different will automatically attract more attention. So I did not like the fact I was different. There was no part of me that wanted to embrace my ADHD growing up. It was just a part of my life. I learned in second grade that it was, and I mean, truly, what it did do for me is it always gave my brain a reason, like I knew why I struggled with completing my homework. I knew why I struggled with test taking, like I knew that it was because of my ADHD, but that didn’t make it inherently any better like in that season, but what it did do is it allowed my mom to come alongside me and just shower me with love and constant messaging to me, reminding me that I can do it, reminding me of how capable I am, reminding me of the strengths that she noticed in me, even when all I was hearing from school, from teachers was often that I was behind, was often that I wasn’t enough. Everything was translated to me as I am broken. There’s something wrong with my brain.
I mean the name, the name is terrible: attention deficit hyperactive disorder. So this is a deficit, and it’s a disorder. So good luck kid, like you’re broken. Something’s wrong with your brain. You need serious help, but like that’s the beginning. And yet without that I would have not had a mom knowing what she needed to do to help me. I would have not had the tools and resources and support in school to equip me with the things I needed in order to succeed, in order to be set up on the same playing field with every other kid at school.
Cindy Lopez:
So as you look back as an adult What do you wish you knew then during your childhood years, your student years that you know now?
Ross Loofbourrow:
I wish I had role models besides my parents, you know, like again, I’m recognizing now how lucky I was to have my parents who loved me unconditionally, but like, come on, I’m not looking to spend more time with my parents as a kid growing up when I get to my teens and stuff. I’m looking at culture, I’m looking at other people, and I’m trying to model myself after them. I want to be cool, right, like I want to impress people. I want to make more friends, and I wish that there were more examples growing up of people that I viewed as cool, people that I viewed as fun and hip and interesting and people that were being fully themselves, and they could make people laugh and they were exciting and they were adventurous people that I could see myself in, who I knew, oh they have ADHD like me. And wow, look at them, like they’re larger than life, like they are fully confident in themselves. They are comfortable in their own skin. There weren’t those role models for me in society at large that I could look at and be encouraged by and look at their path and where they were, and know that I was going to be okay.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah. It’s interesting too because as you’ve already noted just because you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD, so it looks different, right? It looks different in everyone. And I think especially in girls, it can look different, especially in the childhood years. So, you know, Ross, your ADHD comes out in terms of your energy, your sense of adventure, and I think that is somewhat unique to you. Is that true? Is that accurate?
Ross Loofbourrow:
It is accurate, and to just put things in perspective for parents that are listening, even though I was diagnosed in second grade,
Cindy Lopez:
Mm-hmm.
Ross Loofbourrow:
I did not recognize until this past year that my energy as an ADHDer is very unique. So that’s a huge component of who I am. It is the biggest thing that people first recognize about me. It is one of my biggest differentiators, and it’s probably the thing that is most lasting in terms of like remembrance of people that have interacted with me or know me is my energy, and it comes out through my passion for life. But I thought that ADHDers in general were all that way. I thought they were all that way. And I’ve learned in the past year that that’s actually not the case. I mean my ADHD psychiatrist, who I meet with weekly, we were having a session this past year, and I said, “hey, you know what I’m recognizing is these ADHD adults I’m interacting with, and I’m in a cohort with man, like I have the most energy out of all of them, you know, it’s kind of weird, huh? Like it’s kinda, it’s kinda crazy.” And he’s like, what do you mean? I was like, “well, I mean, isn’t that, isn’t that kind of odd? I mean, obviously there’s a lot of ADHDers have my energy, right?” And he goes, “not exactly.” He said, “Ross, you know, your energy is pretty unique and special,” and he’s like, “I would say it’s more of a anomaly, that totally blew my mind.” And again, like as ADHDers one of the big parts of our journey is gaining more and more self-awareness because at the beginning like as a kid and especially if you are not diagnosed with ADHD you’re going to be pretty oblivious to the way that you affect other people around you. And that’s not a great thing to not understand how do I have an impact on this space, right? How does me being me affect those around me, both positively and negatively? And this journey of self-awareness I’m still learning new things all the time and recognizing that’s a differentiator for me. And now I’m starting to lean into that more and people that know me probably look at me and go, are you serious? You’re just recognizing that you have more energy than most people, like, how did you not recognize or see that? And I don’t know maybe it was a piece of my childhood that like, I didn’t want to see that or maybe for a lot of years, even as an adult, I didn’t want to be completely different in that regard, but now I’m really embracing it.
Cindy Lopez:
As you’re talking about your ADHD, you’re talking about ADHDers, and so it’s just interesting to me because we try to use what we call person first language at CHC, so it’s a person with ADHD, but it’s interesting to hear you talk because you talk about ADHDers as like, it’s kind of a good thing as there’s kind of a club, and people should want to be part of it. And I think obviously that comes across in what you’re saying, like you have learned about the strengths that come with your ADHD and for lack of a better word, maybe harness that energy that’s associated with your ADHD, and you talked about as a kid, you know, you just wanted to fit in. You didn’t want to be different, but as an adult you’re kind of looking for the ways you can stand out and that’s how you get noticed. So let’s talk about that for a minute, like what would you say to young adults who are just starting college or just starting in the workplace?
Ross Loofbourrow:
Well, first of all, instead of looking at what everyone else is doing, maybe you have a group of friends who are all on the medical track and they want to be doctors or you have a group of friends who want to be lawyers and their dad was a lawyer, and it’s going to be a great paying job. So they’re on that track too, like, you have these tracks that the world looks at as prestigious, as elite, and, you know, at the end of that road is a successful, happy, easy life, so to speak, right, like good money and these things. So my first piece of advice is like don’t determine the direction you should go based on most other people, like, that would be the first wrong way to go about it, and instead, probably the best way to determine what’s the next experience I should have? What’s the next job that I should explore? What’s the next field that I should… that I should just check out? I think that’s a really important way to frame it in your mind is don’t put so much pressure on yourself that you need to find the thing right now, that you need to find the field you’re always going to stay in, but just be focused on what’s next and to find what’s next, look backwards. Look backwards, talk to the people who knew you best, right, in school, your parents, maybe even other adults that you were really close with growing up in different seasons of your life, right, and reconnect with them and ask them: did you notice things about me that stood out? Did you ever see things that I did and wonder, “wow, how, how did he just do that? How did she just do that?” She just did that better than most of their kids I’ve ever seen, like, those are the things that you want to latch on to and you want to remember is where did you stand out in a way that others saw as extraordinary, like, when others saw it, they were shocked. They were mystified because when you take what others say about your past in that way, and then you also do some introspection on what were the times of your life growing up where you amazed yourself, where you blew yourself away. You’re like, “wow, man, what I just did, that was kind of crazy because those are the things that likely are the things you like,” maybe really enjoyed doing, things that came easier to you than to other people. And they also are things that most other people are not innately great at or they don’t have like this innate skill built into them to do that.
Mike:
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Cindy Lopez:
I think as young adults who are maybe entering the workplace or even going off to college, like you are starting a new season of your life, you’re probably going to develop new friends. You’re going to develop a different kind of social structure, so to speak, and I think Ross, what I’m hearing from you is lean into being yourself. Being different is good. If you’re going off to college, you want your instructors to see you and know you and understand you. And if you’re looking at getting into the workplace and you’re interviewing, you want to stand out. And so, think about all of that. And as you’ve noted, like, how can you be different and lean into the things that are unique to you and the things that really excite you and where you have some strengths.
I’m wondering if you might share a story, speaking of strengths about how your ADHD has made a positive difference for you.
Ross Loofbourrow:
Absolutely. Well, one story my ADHD brain is bringing front of mind, and I think it might be really relatable to parents and to young people that are either in college or approaching that stage of their life. So every spring my college that I attended would have this huge spring event, the annual Spring Sing, and each college dorm on campus would put together this massive musical experience with an original script, original songs. And so I was tasked with directing my college dorms’ spring musical event. And I mean, we prepared over months for this and I mean, the bragging rights, it’s a big, big deal, and so sophomore year, this is coming up and essentially just to give you an idea, I mean, everyone’s parents come into town, the school rents this big arena, you know, to put this on, like, it’s a big, big deal. So someone comes to me, sophomore year, and I’m approached and they ask me, they say, “hey, we’re trying to find a director for Spring Sing, and we think you’d be great.” What? You want me to be the director of Spring Sing? I mean, I’m flattered, and I’m also thinking, “I’m not sure they understand like what they’re getting into by asking me,” because I know firsthand, I already am gathering at this point that I’m not detail oriented, that, you know, I’m pretty scattered. I’m not organized. How am I going to direct this massive performance? Well, here’s the thing. There was a co-director who was going to do it with me, and our dorm was unique. We were a smaller dorm. So guys and girls both participated in the same Spring Sing. Well, this co-director was a female, and I could tell quickly that she brought all these strengths that were my inherent weaknesses. And so I realized, you know what I can pull this off. So we teamed up, we collaborated, and it was an incredible, an incredible season filled with a lot of stress, you know, I wanted people to love it, but man, this whole script was born out of my crazy ideas, like I had all these crazy ideas and people ran with them and a lot of the creativity that went into what we created and accomplished it was due to my ADHD. I mean I was throwing creative ideas on the wall, and other people would tell me, “oh, I love that or let’s run with that” and that was a really pivotal moment for me because I started to see that my creative engine of my ADHD brain, my impulsive nature, my excitability, like they knew that I had the ability to get everybody pumped and passionate about Spring Sing, like they knew that Ross Loofbourrow could do that. And I surprised myself because I was able to deliver on that front, but I was able to deliver because I had a partner and that I think has been one of the biggest learns in my journey of ADHD is recognizing that when I have someone with me who possesses strength in the things that are my inherent weaknesses, I can soar and surprise myself and shock everyone else. And at the same time also meet other people’s expectations because, you know, there were things that they were calling out of me. When I was approached, they were calling this out of me, and it was just an amazing, an amazing moment.
Cindy Lopez:
So Ross, you know, hearing your story about that college experience and, you said you were paired with this person who had some of the strengths that you didn’t, and that’s part of what made it work. I’m wondering if there are other strategies and tools that you now use that are helpful for our listeners to know about?
Ross Loofbourrow:
Yeah, absolutely. The first one that completely changed my life forever, and it’s a huge reason why I’m now building my own business around coaching. That’s why I’m an ADHD high performance coach is because coaching changed everything for me, like getting that time with someone consistently who had an education and an understanding of an ADHD brain and could listen openly, actively, attentively, and, you know, share things back with me that I had said, help me start to reframe some of those ways that I was viewing myself, some of the ways that I was talking to myself in a really, you know, damaging way. Cognitive behavioral therapy was a huge part of my coaching that initially turned everything around. That continues to be one of the biggest ways that I help myself is coaching and continuing to have a coach and continuing to put myself in those environments where I can be encouraged. I can be celebrated. I can be pushed. I can be challenged. I can be called up, that fans my flame, that fans the best parts of ADHD inside me.
And then one of the other things is mindfulness. So for years, my ADHD psychiatrist kept telling me like at the end of our sessions, he’d be like, “hey, do you think you could do a little bit of mindfulness, you know, this week?” And for years, I just dabbled a few minutes here, five minutes here, seven minutes here. And it wasn’t until I actually reached burnout in my career just in the last year and a half, I had to take a leave of absence away from work. That’s another story for another time, but all of a sudden I had a lot of time, and my ADHD psychiatrist challenged me and he said, “the only thing that I want to ask of you in this season, in these months ahead of us where your work is no longer in the equation right now is I want to ask you if you would be willing to commit to 20 minutes of mindfulness every single day,” and I said, “yes, I can do that.” And it was a confident, “yes,” because I had lots of time. There was no excuse and that changed everything for me. Within just a couple months of practicing 20 minutes of mindfulness daily and this is why a coach is important. This is why therapy is valuable. This is why talking with someone like an ADHD psychiatrist is pivotal is because he was able to keep me aware of the ways that I was changing, like he was pointing it out. For example, like a big moment was I was on vacation a few minutes into practicing 20 minutes of mindfulness every single day. And I’m on vacation, and I’m talking to my psychiatrist and I say, “man, this vacation is great, but I can’t wait to get home and start practicing my morning routine again.” And he stopped me and said, “whoa, whoa, whoa.” Did you hear what you just said? It’s like, what? What, like my routine? He’s like, Ross, we’ve been working together for years now. You would have never ever said that when you were on vacation. He’s like, this is a big change for you, you are actually excited to get back into your routine. You miss it. He was like, that is a massive fundamental shift for any ADHD brain is the desire to have structure and routine and not just be carried away by your impulsive nature and your whimsical feelings and just to kind of ping pong throughout the day and so that, that was huge. So that’s a big one.
Another one that has been massive for me is exercise and sleep. My sleep schedule was completely insane for most of my twenties cause I worked in Apple retail, and I would sometimes have a shift where I’m there until 10 pm or 11 pm and other times I’m there at 7 am. So my sleep schedule was just all over the place, no consistency at all. And about a year and a half ago or so I started to rein that in and really optimize it. And now my sleep schedule is more consistent than ever before. And my exercise, the Peloton, I will admit has changed my life because there’s no excuse anymore not to exercise. It’s right there. The tool is right there, staring me in the face every day. I have coaches who can encourage me, who can guide me, who can say, here’s what we’re doing today, just push a little further. You got 30 more seconds. You got 10 more seconds. That’s everything. So those few things, coaching, exercise, sleep, mindfulness, those are part of the pivotal pillars of my life that have really changed everything, changed how I feel, change how I respond to all the situations of life, which, life’s hard, life’s crazy, monumentally more challenging for an ADHDer. So, having those things that give us way more of a chance to feel good and actually feel settled and powerful and confident and capable. It’s transformative.
Cindy Lopez:
Ross, you mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy, and I just want to say to our listeners, you can find out more about that at CHC as well, chconline.org. You can contact our care team, careteam@chconline.org. We do use cognitive behavioral therapy in our sessions with kids and teens and young adults. So if that’s something you’re interested in please contact us.
Cindy Lopez:
You can also find out more about Ross on all of his socials, any social channels you can find him at Ross Loofbourrow. You can see how to spell his name, in the show notes. It’s Loofbourrow. And you can also find him at rossloofbourrow.com. So, Ross, I just wonder if you have any final words of advice for our listeners, parents or young adults or others who might be listening in.
Ross Loofbourrow:
Yes. This is a quote from Russell Barkley, and he shared this at one point after being asked, you know, what’s the end game?… like, what can I do just make it concise for me. How can I help my ADHD child? And this is what he said, “don’t lose sight of the relationship. Stop longing for the child you thought you wanted. Accept the child you have. Take it as your mission to be their shepherd, to help them develop those talents that are inside them, focus on your relationship with them over everything else because that is what will sustain them and also sustain you.” I just love that because look at people who have thrived with ADHD brains and who knew when they were kids and most of them will say, “if not for my mom, if not for my dad, I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be here today.” I wouldn’t be standing in front of you celebrating what I’ve accomplished or celebrating my ADHD brain and my unique differences. So lean in and embrace, understand and if you do that, you will help your child or loved one unlock parts of them that will take them to heights they never could have imagined they’d achieve.
Cindy Lopez:
I think lean in are good words for all of us looking at whatever the next step is in our lives. Ross just also mentioned Russell Barkley. So, Dr. Russell Barkley dedicated to education and research on ADHD. You can find out more about him online too at russellbarkley.org. And we’ll put that resource in the show notes. So Ross, again, thank you for being with us and to our listeners thank you for listening in, and we hope you’ll join us again next time.
Ross Loofbourrow:
It was my pleasure. Thank you.
Cindy Lopez:
Visit us online at podcasts.chconline.org. Make sure to subscribe to Voices of Compassion so you never miss an episode, and we’d love it if you’d leave us a rating and review. Have a question? Send us an email or a voice memo at podcasts@chconline.org. We’re here for you when you need us.
