Raising Compassionate Kids

Cindy:
Welcome to Voices of Compassion, CHC’s podcast, providing courage, connection, and compassion, highlighting topics that matter to our community — parents, families, educators, and other professionals. I’m Cindy Lopez and today we’re talking about raising compassionate kids. We are extra fortunate today to have two guests. Kendra Fraka, Licensed Clinical Social Worker here at CHC with nearly 20 years experience working with kids and families. And we also have Vibha Pathak, an amazing occupational therapist here at CHC with a heart for working with kids with special needs. Thank you both for being here with us today on our Voices of Compassion podcast.

So, if we learned how to be kind and compassionate at an early age we might respond differently to people who are different, whether it’s skin color or learning challenges or physical challenges. So let’s talk a little bit about that. Like, why do you think compassion is so important in our world today?

Vibha, why don’t you start us off?

Vibha:
I would say compassion helps us with perspective and vice versa. When we have perspective, we look at things from different angles, right. Just for an example, like, “Katie did not sit with me for lunch today.” And immediately as a child the thoughts are, “Oh, you know what, she didn’t sit with me. Is she mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Oh, she is so mean!,” right? These are the immediate thoughts that come. And so we want our kids to understand that’s not the only reality. And that’s where the compassion piece comes in, is understanding what else was going on with Katie, right? And not immediately attributing her actions to thoughts and feelings that we might have.

Kendra:
Yeah, and I think when we’re looking at developmental stages too, there’s so many things that we’re taught as parents to start early, right? Whether it’s talking about things around us to build vocabulary, and this is just as important of a skill for us to start early and modeling with our kids and giving them real life examples of differences and similarities. And you know we do that with colors when we’re sorting and organizing things, right? But also talking about how we’re all the same. And that sometimes there are differences, but underneath we’re all the same. And how important that is from that sense of humanity.

Cindy:
So what can parents do at home with their kids to build compassion?

Kendra:
I think frequently we turn first to our own families or the people in our communities to look at compassion because those are the things that are most meaningful for us. And understanding that there’s a bigger worldview than just our home as young children, right? As they make those first steps into school and other places they’re expanding that worldview and having them understand that there isn’t a right or wrong perspective, it’s just a different perspective, can really help promote that.

Vibha:
By starting at home, I think one of the key pieces is modeling for our kids. They always say actions speak louder than words. We can teach our kids, and we can keep talking about it, but it makes such an impact when they see us modeling that compassion, from as simple as you know, how do you react when something happens? And talking out loud and labeling what we’re feeling, I think is an important strategy of, you know, oh I am feeling a little frustrated right now, so what am I doing about it?

Kendra:
I think that’s a great example. Even though we have training and expertise in certain areas, we’re just as fallible as other people. And so being able to kind of take that step back and own when we’ve made a mistake or we’ve done something that is reinforced or modeled something that’s unkind, you know, we want to make sure that we’re talking with our kids about that. It’s very topical right now because the debates were on the other night. My husband and I were discussing things very passionately and Ashley was eating nearby and I didn’t think she was really paying attention, but she said, “Hey, I don’t like the way you guys are talking.” And she says, “it sounds like you were becoming Trump and Biden.” And we both kind of looked at each other and were like, oh, we need to discuss this differently because we may have different opinions, but we don’t want it to seem like we don’t like each other or love each other. And so it was a really good teachable moment that she gave us in that setting. I think right now the times are very polarized and adversarial. And so how do you talk to your kids about understanding other people’s points of view when they’re different than your own.

Cindy:
So, I really appreciated your comments, both of you, about kind of expanding your worldview and helping your kids expand their worldview, that different is good! And also the reminder that actions speak louder than words. What can parents do at home? You both gave some great examples. I’m just wondering if you have others.

Vibha:
I think for me you know, when I think back on it, two siblings at home, two years apart, always wanting to be the best and the first at everything. And one-upping each other, right? It’s just a part of normal development. It’s just amplified right now because we’re at home all the time. And then just kind of showing them the other person’s perspective. As simple as, you know, if you’re first all the time, that means the other person is last all the time. Sometimes kids will not think of it you know, this is also the age where we’re very egocentric, I’m sure all parents would agree with me you always hear, “That is not fair! Why is that not fair?,” right? So turning that around on them in situations when something is going on, that you can clearly see is not fair: tv remotes, jumping time on the trampoline, who gets their rollerblades on first and gets help from mom, right? As simple things as that, that’s when you can kind of flip it around and talk about fairness and uh, and, you know, equality. I’m finding more and more that memes and pictures and humor is really the way to go. Would you agree Kendra?

Kendra:
Yeah, and I think, right now we’re in such a digital world and online world that I joke with the parents sometimes about, like, there’s the good media and the bad media. But there are great cartoons, audible books, regular books and things that we can pull from to help kids see those examples. And the more they can resonate with them in their own life experience, I think the more that they will take those and generalize them. It really is interesting when I hear online games and things, because we’re not looking at people now there’s more of the… we’re Zooming while we’re playing games, so you kind of see them out of the peripheral. But with everybody doing so much shelter in place and trying to make those connections, especially kids online, I’ve seen kind of an increase in just rudeness and how people talk. And a lot of the video games as well, it’s really you know, go here, go there. It’s not, hey can you please hand me this? It’s more like give me that, wait, you took mine. And so helping them see, like, wow that doesn’t sound very kind. How do you think the other person feels in that? So a lot of that perspective taking and trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, I think is really valuable, especially during these different times for us.

Vibha:
I would agree Kendra. Also on the flip side of that, because they’re texting so much the tone and emotion doesn’t really go across, right? So they’ve texted or they’ve received something and it’s an immediate, like, “What does she mean? Why is she saying that?” As opposed to you know, she was texting, we don’t know what her tone was behind it or what the emotion was. So just kind of being cognizant of that. I’m encountering that more and more as we’re moving along with media and younger kids. It’s just the understanding of, words when they’re on paper are very different from words spoken.

Kendra:
Yeah, and I really love Common Sense Media. I feel like they have so many resources for families that are kid friendly, family friendly and really help in those areas. I think we’re more aware now because they’re at home where before they were on the playground and we had no idea what they were doing unless we got a phone call, right? So it’s kind of an eye-opener for us as well as like, wow you know, this is my kid and this is some of the things that they’re doing and I don’t know how I feel about that.

Cindy:
Nice really important reminders and strategies for us as parents. Kids are spending so much time on screens these days, right? There’s no way around that and I don’t think parents should feel bad about that. It’s just our reality. But this idea that words matter, and so how do you teach kids to like, not react or maybe to ask clarifying questions?

Kendra:
I think we’ve talked before Vibha about the difference between a bystander and an upstander. And as our kids get older, it really is so important to talk about their roles and responsibilities in their online community. And if they see someone being bullied, what are some of the things that they can do? And what is bullying? Because so often I hear kids say well, no, it’s when someone is physical with them or it’s doing this. And it’s like no, it can be kicking someone from a chat room or making fun of a meme that they posted or creating negative comments. And so I really emphasize that you know, those things are there for everyone to see. And if you’re in person it might only be one person that’s nearby, but those can be duplicated or shared and it can really affect how people view you, whether you’re going to be a kind person or not a kind person, and really affect those relationships.

Vibha:
If you are not an upstander, you are contributing to whatever is going on, unfortunately, that’s just how it is. And so speaking up and knowing who those trusted adults are in your community and knowing who the trusted even peers are that you could talk to about this and help kind of mitigate that. If you would not say something to someone to their face, I tell my kids, you should never type it.

Kendra:
I also think there’s this misperception for our kids because those who do social media, or Instagram, or Snapchat or Tik Tok, they have this view of their friends or people out there that everything’s great for them. And so I think we lose empathy because we don’t always recognize that you know, behind that picture maybe somebody is sick or their family’s struggling economically. And so it’s kind of like, “Oh no, they’ve got all of these things.” And so it creates more of this competition of lifestyles and can really make people feel, if they can’t compete with that, feel really bad. And that’s really difficult for kids to understand. So, you know, again, those conversations are so important amongst family to talk about what else might be going on for some of those kids or families.

Vibha:
Kendra as you were saying that something just came to my mind. You know kids will always notice differences and will comment on it, right? It’s the, I want to say, the innocent nature of childhood. And as a parent, I think my first reaction is, “Shhh, somebody will feel bad about it,” right? “Don’t say that, this is not the place to say it.” And you know, as I’m indulging more into research and looking at it, I think it’s good that they notice differences. Our role as a parent is to teach them by asking them the clarifying questions, what were you noticing or what is different? Because if you’ve shushed them, for them it’s just like that was something wrong instead of exploring with them that it’s different, but different is fine, different it is not good or bad, right. And asking them clarifying questions and then correcting the misunderstanding. So I think I’m learning to do that as a parent too, because it’s hard to go away from the, you know, “don’t do that, don’t say that,” that kind of thinking.

Cindy:
So in that same kind of context, like, how can parents help their teens understand that they’re part of a larger community? Most teens don’t want to speak up if it sets them apart or makes them feel different from their peers. So do you have any thoughts for parents of teens?

Kendra:
I’m always a big fan of using movies and books as ways to emphasize that, but I think the other piece is really looking in your community and having experiences with people who are different than you. So, we’re in such a robust area of differences and so there’s lots of opportunities to get to know other people. I think when kids are young, you can do that through literature more and I think as they get older, they have more mobility and a lot more maturity where they can kind of decide what they would like to learn more about. And I think if they’re interested in it, it helps because then they’re more likely to want to get involved.

Vibha:
And Cindy just kind of speaking to your point with the teens, right? I have found as my interactions with teens has increased in my professional life, that humor is the saving grace. Humor in any form, the ability to laugh at yourself, the ability to laugh at various things that are happening, I think has been a big icebreaker and helpful way to kind of communicate and understand and show compassion, right? And the second piece of it is practicing mindfulness has really helped with…if you practice mindfulness, you are present in the moment and you can use the tools and strategies. If you’re not present and you’re bombarded with any kind of situation, then you react. I’m one of those parents who are forcing my kids to practice mindfulness with the hope that it gets more inculcated. As we move on, they are not the best happy campers when we do that, but we practice mindfulness in many different areas of our life. Sometimes you also just need to be able to sit and be calm, which is really hard.

Kendra:
Well and I know so many families who say my kid can’t meditate, or my kid can’t stay calm for that long. And I think really looking at the ways to focus on again, differences and similarities as a form of mindfulness. And so we do it all the time when we play games, like which two things are the same, which things are different. And yet we don’t call it mindfulness. And so there’s a lot of things that can bridge that gap. And then we can explain to them like, wow, that’s you know, using your focus mind, or that’s using an open mind to see all the things around you. So I’ve really liked using videos from the aquarium and things like that, to help with finding the differences and kind of being mindful in that way. And then talking about how you feel in those moments.

Cindy:
Great, thank you, thanks both of you for addressing that teen piece and also the mindfulness piece and, for our listeners actually, we just did a recent podcast on mindfulness and strategies to reduce stress. You can find that on our Voices of Compassion podcast series. So, another question for both of you, you made the point that the action piece of compassion is important to be taught. What strategies can you share with parents that they might even be able to like use right now, use today after they finish listening to this podcast?

Kendra:
I like the hands-on activities. And I think that those can be great for young and old. There’s something cathartic about creating something. There’s some great links about the kindness rocks, where you can paint the rocks and leave words of inspiration or drawings and leave them around the community, for someone else to have that positive message to see. I like to have those myself for my mindfulness at home or at work on my desk. And it reminds me again, just kind of more of those core things that are important when everything feels overwhelming. But arts and crafts to me are always a fun one just because you can get messy and you can have another outlet for that. And older kids really enjoy that too. I know there’s some of those mandalas you can do on the rocks too and paint rocks um, and those can be again, really soothing for young adults and kids.

Vibha:
I would agree, Kendra. Also, I feel like, some of the things I’ve discovered, especially during this pandemic is, checking in on your neighbors, right? That’s what we’ve been doing. We have some elderly neighbors — like checking in, do you need groceries? Do you need your medication to be picked up? That helps kids understand that you know, we are part of this larger community and it’s something that is actionable and that you could do right away. Um, and as Kendra was saying, I just thought about it. One of the kids in our neighborhood had their birthday and it’s a pandemic birthday so no big party. We all went and drew rainbows outside on their driveway and just wrote like happy birthday and then the mom sent us a video of when he saw it. And it was just amazing because these are little things, actionable moments where you’re thinking of somebody else. And I think that’s the start to it. And Cindy as you were saying, action is really like practice, right? You have to practice, you have to flex those muscles and to kind of do more and more of it. And that’s how it starts with these little things, right? You do little items and your world expands and then you do a little more and then it expands a little more. I think that’s how we can start as a community practicing compassion.

Cindy:
That whole ripple effect of kindness is really true. So, thinking about compassion and mental health. How does compassion perhaps support, you know, positive mental health, mental wellness?

Kendra:
For so long mental health has been stigmatized. Even when we look at young children’s disabilities, in the not too distant past, many of the parents were seen as the cause of those disabilities. And so, same thing when we think about LGBQ and T you know there was a mental health diagnosis that went with that for a long time, that people thought needed to be treated or fixed. And so I think as we become more educated and compassionate, that it’s important to recognize that there’s no shame in people having mental health issues or challenges. And that’s one of the barriers for people getting treatment. And so having people understand that again, we have skills that we need to improve. If it was a physical ailment people wouldn’t have an issue with going to a doctor or understanding and being compassionate about oh, that person can’t do that because they’re in a wheelchair. But when it comes to mental health issues, it’s really — and learning disabilities as well — it’s kind of that unseen challenge and so, recognizing, and maybe not even labeling it as that, but just realizing that everybody learns differently. Everybody deals with emotions differently and understanding that wow, someone was having a really tough day instead of making judgments about them, trying to stick with the facts or think about that must be really hard for them. You know, it looks like they’re really going through a hard time.

Vibha:
And as an OT, I really have to make the plug for movement. Just movement and activity, oh my gosh so important, 60 minutes at least for everybody young or old. And it does not all have to be at the same time. Preferably not at the same time, you know, 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes just to walk after lunch, I think really helps us with our own emotions, and how we’re perceiving and in turn will help with compassion because all of these things are interlinked. We can’t look at them just piece by piece, right, how we’re feeling affects how we’re looking at the world and how we’re looking at the world affect how we’re thinking about it and vice versa.

Cindy:
Vibha and Kendra, do you have any key takeaways that you’d like our listeners to hear from you today?

Vibha:
I think one of the takeaways is if we want to raise compassionate kids, we need to be compassionate ourselves and practice it. And that’s what our children will see. Even though it is hard in the moment, it is not always perfect. Please do not expect it to be perfect.

Kendra:
I think also recognizing our own biases. Recognizing that we’re not all gonna think the same and be the same, but how do we calmly communicate that with each other and be respectful of one another.

Cindy:
Thank you Vibha and Kendra for sharing your thoughts, expertise, experience and all your creative thinking with all of our listeners around this idea of raising compassionate kids. We’re so thankful that you are able to be with us today and give your time to this. Everyone who’s been listening, I hope you enjoyed this podcast episode and make sure to listen again next week and we’ll have a different topic and some different speakers, all on ideas and thoughts that matter to you today. Thanks so much Vibha and Kendra.

Vibha:
Thank you Cindy.

Kendra:
Thanks Cindy.

Cindy Lopez:
Find us online at podcasts.chconline.org. Remember that is podcasts with an s. Also, please follow us on our socials. Find us on Facebook @chc.paloalto and Twitter and Instagram at CHC_paloalto. You can also visit our YouTube channel at chconlinepaloalto. And we are on LinkedIn. Subscribe to Voices of Compassion on Apple podcasts, Spotify and other podcast apps, and sign up for a virtual village email list so you never miss an update or an episode. I always love to hear from you so send me an email or a voice memo at podcasts@chconline.org. Again, that is podcast with an s. Or leave us a rating and review. We look forward to you tuning in each week. After all we are in this together. See you next week.