Parenting with C.A.L.M.

Joan:
If you think of all of the changes that we’ve been through these past eight months, you have kids not in school and they’re in distance learning. You have some parents who aren’t at work, and some parents are even out of work. You have adults and kids missing their friends and their family. You have a very enormous political climate that is happening. And then you have social justice reckoning. So it’s not surprising that both parents and kids are feeling sad and anxious. We all miss our routines. And it’s not surprising that parents are having challenges with their kids’ behavior because they’re also having to manage their own feelings and actually the behavior of other adults. In general, I just think there’s a huge sense of loss and this can lead parents to start questioning if they should be parenting differently during this time. And I just think you may parent differently, but your core values and the expectations that you have for your children can remain the same.

Cindy:
Hi, I’m Cindy Lopez, and I’m happy to welcome you to our Voices of Compassion podcast series. I’d like to introduce our guest, Dr. Joan Baran. Dr. Baran is Clinical Director here at CHC. She has over 20 years experience working with young children in a variety of settings. Her expertise includes infant and young child assessment, autism spectrum disorders and developmental disabilities. She speaks Spanish and she is an avid Tar Heel basketball fan. We are so fortunate to have her here with us today. This is an incredibly challenging time for families and especially cause most families are all under one roof these days. What kinds of things like behaviorally, do you think parents might be seeing with their kids right now?

Joan:
Well, what I’m hearing about in my clinical practice is parents are talking about sleep disturbances. You’re also seeing kids who are struggling with online learning, either not wanting to sit down for long periods of time in front of their computer. You also have kids who are just more emotionally fragile. So they’re missing their friends and they’re missing their ability to just go out and be with other kids without having to plan prior to doing so. So I’m seeing changes in sleep, eating, friendships. It’s pretty much every aspect of a kid’s life that is having some sort of change for both the child and the parent.

Cindy:
So Joan, how then do you cope as a parent with making changes to your parenting during this uncertain time?

Joan:
Well, I have a COVID mantra and it is, “My good enough is good enough. And I can only control what I can control.” I think what makes this experience so different for parents is that we don’t really have a prior experience to fall back on. Usually having a prior experience, you can provide context not only to yourself, but to your kids, as well as provide hope. And we’re used to as parents being the guide about how to manage different situations yet this is a situation we have no real prior experience in managing. So I think the key is just remembering what are your values and what are your expectations and doing your best to try to maintain them while also trying to just be more flexible and trying to give your kids more of a sense of control.

Cindy:
This is an experience, we haven’t lived through this before, so we don’t really know how to navigate it. And I think that’s a good reminder for all parents. So, Joan thinking about all of that, do you have any specific strategies that would be helpful for parents right now?

Joan:
Well, I use what I call my C.A.L.M. approach even sometimes when I’m not feeling calm myself. But my C.A.L.M. approach is essentially a mnemonic that I use whenever I’m facing a problem. And honestly I’ve used this approach not only with my own kids, but other family members. And so when I talk about the C.A.L.M approach, I think in terms of the C meaning Connect. Before I tackle a problem, I think it’s so important to connect and you can connect in a variety of ways. You can ask your child: what are you listening to with your earbuds on? Or did you hear the latest, or did you know something that happened today? Taking a moment to connect can be so critical to create an environment where you are ready to problem solve together. And then the next phase is Asking, not telling. When a challenge arises it’s so important to have a collaborative problem solving approach together. And one does that by asking, not telling. So for example, you might say we only have this amount of money. How are we going to stretch it to get what you want or, hmm….let’s see, how important is it for you to do this? And then the next phase is Leading with problem solving or the L. So, that is what ideas do you have to help solve this situation? Again, it’s providing your child with a sense of having control and having choices. Another leading with problem solving question might be well, what would happen if you do X or what would happen if you do Y? So it’s listing out pros and cons, modeling that there may not be one perfect solution and there might not even be a best case scenario. And then the M is Mapping out a plan. I use a driving analogy a lot; there are different ways that you can arrive at the same destination. Why you may think that your path is better based on your experience, your child or teen can take ownership and gain confidence, if the choice is ultimately theirs. Of course with your support throughout the process, ideally then you can even go back with the benefit of hindsight and reflect, now that we know the outcome, was that the best choice, was there an alternative choice that we didn’t even think of together? And so I think of C.A.L.M. as a way to kind of slow down the process, to engage in collaborative problem solving, so that your child essentially is like taking the wheel using my driving example, with you there beside them in the passenger seat providing support, guidance and honestly love.

Cindy:
That’s great, Dr. Baran. That’s what we need these days: a little bit more calm, a little less reactivity, a little bit more calm. So you talked previously about flexibility as a parent and it seems like using this technique does require some flexibility on the parents’ part. Can you maybe talk a little bit about what that might look like as a parent?

Joan:
Well, for example, one of your values might be, homework first and that takes place before other activities. And that’s where that flexibility comes in. Pre-COVID you might’ve said no, you can’t do all those other activities because your homework comes first, but now you might be flexing and saying the homework’s important, but it is important also to get outside and get some exercise. It’s also important to take a break. And so I think it is staying true to your values that schoolwork and homework are very important, but being flexible with showing that there are other aspects to a kid’s life that are equally important, especially during this time.

Cindy:
Yeah, love that. The other thing you talked about is a roadmap, right and I was just thinking that it might be kind of scary for a parent to kind of let their child map out their own plan. Could you speak to that a little bit? Like, what would that look like? How can parents do that?

Joan:
Well honestly, I think you can start with small aspects that may or may not be life-changing. So, for example, even when you’re out driving, you could say, we can go this way or this way to go to target to pick up your shoes. And so it’s really starting at an early age to offer choices to your child because then that gives your child confidence, that the choice they made was a good one. And then you can just slowly start increasing the level of responsibility to the child and start saying something like you have to do these four different activities before a certain period of time, which one do you think you should do first? And like I said before, you might think, oh, that’s just, it’s going to be so much better if she does this other one first, but that’s the way she’s going to learn is by having the experience and then learning through that experience with your support.

Cindy:
I think there’s so much that parents are having to deal with right now and kids too. So it’s important to, as a parent, I think to recognize that you’re going through a lot, your kids are also going through a lot. So a little grace now and then is good. Dr. Baran you’ve talked about some specific strategies are there any more real life kinds of strategies that you might talk about for different ages of kids?

Joan:
Well, I mean I would think right now especially with the pandemic, a very common scenario might be your teen wants to meet up with friends. And so how would you use the C.A.L.M. technique for that because it’s natural that a teen would want to be with other teens. And so you might start with the C with Connecting. So you might start with asking questions about what’s been on social media or what was their latest Instagram post? What was on Facebook or a Twitter comment. And that way you’re connecting before you’re tackling the harder issue, which is figuring out how you’re going to solve this problem together. Then you might start asking questions like, I know you want to connect with your friend’s yet we know that there’s a risk right now given grandpa’s medical condition. And so you start by asking questions about understanding what the problem is, and then figuring out together how you’re going to come to a solution. So then you lead by problem solving. So what do you think you can do to stay safe? What will you do if you’re pressured to take off your mask? Could you meet on Zoom instead? Why or why not? And then you come up with your M, which is making a plan and you’re following your teen’s lead in coming up with a plan, again providing support and guidance along the way.

Cindy:
I think one of the things for parents right now is that you have to be a little bit more responsive right now, less reactive. Do you have any tips for parents about how to help when they’re in the middle of a high emotional kind of situation with their kids, like how can they kind of remind themselves or prompt themselves to respond differently?

Joan:
That is a tough situation, because like you said, right now it is a very challenging time. And a lot of times our what I call our reserves are just lower because we don’t have the opportunity to engage in these activities, which help restore our gas tanks or our reserves, shall we say? And so I think when things are heated, I think that is one of the most important times is to take a step back and to kind of go back to basics, right? So you’re going back to let’s turn down the heat, by let’s take a break from one another, while we’re trying to figure out this situation. Sometimes taking a deep breath, sometimes going outside and taking a walk together outside so that you’re exercising. Those are things that can help you kind of dial back the temperature as you’re trying to engage in collaborative problem solving.

Cindy:
You talked about teens and what the C.A.L.M. technique might look like with a teen. Do you have any examples or anything you’d like to say about how it might look like with a younger child?

Joan:
Well, a younger child might especially now want maybe a toy or a game that in quotation marks everyone else has. Again, it’s an opportunity to problem solve because of course parents can’t buy as many things now. And so I think it would be a good time to engage in that collaborative problem solving, so you can connect. Again, you can talk about what the child learned on Zoom, or maybe you can talk about a Netflix show you watched together. You’re leading, you’re starting the conversation by connecting first. And then you can start asking questions you know, what makes this toy special? What does this toy do? How’s it different from another toy that you have? Why do you think it’s so expensive? And so you’re trying to get the child to think about what they want in different ways. And then again, you’re going to lead by problem-solving. So, what’s a reason we should get this now, rather than maybe later, because your birthday’s coming up or a holiday is coming up or your grandmother has been wanting to buy you something. You can lead also by talking about, can you work for the present? So maybe the child takes the dog out without reminders and can earn, getting the present. And so it’s helpful to come up with by mapping. So the M is listing the ideas that you gathered together. And you might be talking about the grandparents working for a gift, maybe finding a friend that you could share the game with and then deciding on a plan. This technique applies regardless of the age of your child, because the principles are the same and that is slowing things down, working collaboratively, supporting your child as they come up with ideas. And then supporting them as they execute the ideas.

Cindy:
Dr. Baran, what can parents do now regarding preventative mental health to possibly alleviate the long-term impacts?

Joan:
Well, the first thing I have to say is that kids in general can be very, very resilient. And I think that is something we just have to keep in mind is that the vast majority of kids will be fine. And what I think is so important is to find what are those keys to resiliency, right? So one key to resiliency is, and I think it’s already really started happening and that is creating new routines, new patterns. One of the aspects that kids and parents miss is the routine of getting up, having breakfast, running out the door for school, that’s part of our routines. And so setting up a new routine is really important because it helps kids and their parents feel a sense of normalcy and safety. I think another key aspect is social support, that is key in building resilience. So it is talking with other folks who are going through the same experience and so it’s promoting activities where kids reach out to other kids, whether it is via Zoom or the phone. And it’s also parents reaching out to their friends. And then I think another key piece is really modeling for your child, how to get through this hardship with honesty, with a little bit of humor, maybe a lot of humor, and also trying to be realistic. I think it can be so valuable for kids to see their parents go through something that is challenging and also be successful. It really helps kids cope when they find that their parent can go through adversity and experience success. What makes this different is that the adversity that the parent is going through is very similar to what the child is going through.

Cindy:
I like the whole piece about keeping your sense of humor. I think if we can do that and laugh a little bit at ourselves, like it’s really important to not take ourselves so seriously, especially when everything in the world seems so serious. So, Dr. Baran is teletherapy a good option right now for families and kids. Can you talk a little bit more about that?

Joan:
Teletherapy has been such a support during this time. I think when the shelter in place first started, there were some bumps as we learned as clinicians, as well as, as kids and parents. And over the past few months, what has been great is that both parents, as well as clinicians have learned together about how to use this medium so that kids and families feel supported by the clinician. CHC has been taking data on this. And now 65% of parents are telling us they want to stay with teletherapy because they find it so convenient. They often find it an easier way in which to start narrowing in on topics. And they find it almost less distracting than having to rush, to try to make an appointment, trying to get through the traffic. So a lot of our families are saying they actually prefer it to an in-person visit. So I would have to say after seven, eight months we’ve come a long way and teletherapy is here to stay.

Cindy:
So Joan as we wrap up this episode, what would you like to say? Like what takeaway would you want parents to have as a result of listening to this episode?

Joan:
I think the most important is that everybody is changing. Kids are changing, parents are changing and change is hard. And like I said before, you have no real prior experience to fall back on. And so it’s showing that I liked what you said Cindy, you show that grace not only to others, but also to yourself as a parent, it’s showing yourself that grace.

Cindy:
Dr. Baran, thanks so much for being with us today and for sharing your expertise and your insight not only as a clinical professional, but as a parent too. And for our listeners, thank you for tuning in today and for listening and I hope you learn some great strategies that you can take and apply right now and realize that you’re not alone and that we are all in this together. So thank you, Dr. Baran.

Joan:
Thank you so much for the opportunity.

Cindy:
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