March 30, 2022
Cindy Lopez:
Welcome. My name is Cindy Lopez, the host of this CHC podcast, Voices of Compassion. We hope you find a little courage, feel connected and experience compassion every time you listen.
Today, we’re talking about parenting and parenting is really an art. The art of letting go and knowing when to approach and as a parent, how do you balance help with letting go? Can your children succeed on their own? Does it ever end, will you ever stop worrying about them? Listen to this podcast episode with CHC experts, Liberty Hebron, licensed professional clinical counselor, and Audrey Schield, bilingual associate social worker at CHC as they talk about some parenting tools that can help you navigate the art of parenting. Welcome Audrey and Liberty.
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
Hi there, Cindy. Thanks so much for having us, excited to be here. My name is Liberty Hebron, and I’m a licensed professional clinical counselor at CHC. I’ve been working with kids, teens, families for a while now, and I really do love working with family systems – helping parents understand and navigate their kids in new and unique ways. Kids don’t come with that instruction manual. I love to help translate it a little bit for parents.
Audrey Schield, ASW:
I’m so excited to be here with you, Liberty and Cindy, this is Audrey Schield. I’m a bilingual therapist here at Children’s Health Council, and I’ve also been working with children and parents, and one of the things that I like most is meeting families where they’re at and learning to listen to what they need and finding out what is going on.
Cindy Lopez:
Thank you Liberty and Audrey for being with us. So, parenting is amazing, it’s really an art and especially the art of kind of knowing when to let go, knowing when to approach. And it’s tricky and especially for what we’ve been through the past couple of years, you know, weathering the storm. So Liberty talk about weathering the storm. What does that mean?
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
Weathering the storm of parenthood is about seasons, and the fact that we have different seasons with our kids. We can sometimes feel like things are overwhelming, things are not going well, and then all of a sudden it’s great, right, so these ups and these downs. One of the things that’s happened most recently is COVID, right. COVID really struck us. So speaking of that storm analogy, it came out of nowhere and was really just like a lightning bolt for so many folks. In so many ways mental health systems and families they really were shaken by the changes in routine, by the loss of income or the loss of support systems, having to fear and worry about different things.
Even just in general we’re thinking of the natural development that happens in the teen years and that natural development also includes, you know, the push, the pull, the ups, the downs, really crisis moments and sunshiny moments. So we need to start a conversation with our teens now more than ever about their mental health, about everything and anything from anxieties and stress to potential suicidal ideation.
Studies are just emerging now about COVID-19 and basically since about March 2020, how all of that has affected us and our mental health. And we know that one of the ways is through increases in suicidal ideation among those who are aged 12 to 21, especially in female teens. So, it’s something that I do want parents to be able to talk about, and to know that there are professionals that can help if that’s the particular storm that they’re trying to weather right now.
Conversations with a teen or a tween are like a minefield. I recognize that, right? It’s like, where do I go with this? You know, what do I say when they say this? But the truth is that many teens and tweens, keep their cards close. They hold them close because they’re worried about other people’s reactions. They’re worried about how people are going to interpret what they say, and sometimes they’re also worried cause they just don’t even know what they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, how to put that into words. So weathering the storm is really about knowing how to navigate that conversation, knowing how to start it, how to withstand it and follow along through ups and downs.
Cindy Lopez:
We’ve seen this increase in mental health issues right over the past couple of years. And I know that one of the statistics that I read was about an increase with mental health related ER visits. I just wonder as parents are weathering the storm what are some strategies and tools that parents can use? Audrey do you have some thoughts about that?
Audrey Schield, ASW:
Absolutely. It isn’t easy to see the people that you love suffer, and feeling like you don’t know how to help or you’re being pushed away is even more painful. So an emotional storm hits everyone in its path. The first thing that I usually talk about when I’m supporting family or I hear about this hitting a certain family is just to think about knowing when it’ s not just raining it’s pouring. With many families I’ve supported we’ve worked through kind of a three-step model and that’s something to help parents be there for their children when things are challenging.
So the three steps are pausing, naming your feelings and offering. The first step is taking a pause. It’s important to use mindfulness skills, knowing that there is a big emotion in the room. It could be yours, it could be someone else’s in the family, just means that there’s more discomfort than normal, and it’s important to hold any emotions the child is bringing without adding our own affect so they don’t have to worry or care for us.
Step two then is naming the feeling or feelings. You can have more than one feeling at the same time, and oftentimes it’s most painful when two opposing feelings happen together. I know lots of kids who get most frustrated when that’s going on without knowing what that feeling is though you can’t know what coping skill to use or how to provide support. You can do this by modeling and naming your own feelings or trying to be curious like I love when parents ask, “I wonder if…I wonder if you’re feeling frustrated and sad,” or trying to clarify, “did I get this right?” The most important part is clarifying because that lets our children correct us and tell us what they actually feel. Nothing is better than a teen who goes, “no, that’s not right, I’m feeling super sad right now. I’m not angry at all.” Let them tell their parent exactly where they were at.
Cindy Lopez:
So that three-step model does it apply across all challenges or is it for crisis? Is it for just normal communication?
Audrey Schield, ASW:
So sometimes the emotional discomfort that someone’s feeling is so intense that our children might consider engaging in what we call risk behaviors. And when that is true, they’re in crisis.
When you’re pausing that means waiting for the storm to pass before you might have a more in-depth conversation with someone. There isn’t time to go deep, there safety is going to come first. You could validate their emotions with a statement like “things are hard right now, and this is a time when we need to use your safety plan and get more help.” That’s when you’re going to a safety plan, you’re using crisis supports, but we’re not going to go to a three-step plan. We’re going first to safety.
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
It’s really true. I was talking with parents about that just the other day, let the child be the expert, so when they correct you in some ways they are actually also getting more in touch with what they’re feeling; they’re able to explain it better because they’re also starting to describe it even for themselves for the first time. I love that second step, so what’s the third?
Audrey Schield, ASW:
So that’s when we’re ready to do something, where we can offer validation or problem solving. Biggest complaint that I hear from teens is, “my parents are trying to fix me.” And that’s why I always invite people to ask first, what does the teen want and who do they want it from? We can provide examples. Do they want to get from a parent or a friend? Do they want to use a coping skill or is it just nice to have someone to talk to, then you follow up and ask: was it useful or do they need more support?
So pause in the storm, name the feeling, and then offer validation or advice.
Cindy Lopez:
Thinking about that three step model and trying to implement it, should you ask your teen like before you even start that, “okay, do you want me just to listen or do you want my advice? Is it important to ask before or is that just part of the process?
Audrey Schield, ASW:
That’s part of the process.
Cindy Lopez:
Okay. As a parent I might just want to jump in there and help. So I think it’s not always easy for parents to step back and ask that question or even think about asking that question to start with.
So love that three-step model, I think the neuroscience behind all of this is so interesting and important, and just wondering if you have any comments about that.
Audrey Schield, ASW:
Yeah it may feel kind of like kindergarten to ask someone what they’re feeling, but the science here in naming your emotions is in itself a coping skill. In therapy we call it name it to tame it. By naming the emotion, the intensity of the discomfort really does decrease. When there is an intense emotion or something that’s triggering the reactive part of the brain that developed at birth, we all have this right away, is usually activated. So some of the parts in the brain stem here are responsible for strong emotions. When you name your emotion, you engage at the part of your brain that is receptive rather than reactive. This is the prefrontal cortex. The part of the brain that is responsible for empathy, decision-making, impulse control, so many other important things. That’s the prefrontal cortex that continues to develop into the mid twenties. And the good news is for teens the more that they practice naming it, the easier the scale becomes and experiences of naming emotions over time will build neuroplastic connections which makes it easier to even access this skill. The more that a parent asks their kid to name it, the easier it is in the future.
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Cindy Lopez:
As we talk about weathering the storm, what if your teen or your tween is in the middle of the storm? What if their emotions are so off the charts that you’re not really even able to engage them in that three-step process? What do you do then?
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
It’s definitely about reading the room and knowing what you’re observing, taking that observation in and recognizing even if the teen doesn’t recognize at that time, like this is not a good time to talk about it. I think that we can also do the three-step model just for ourselves like as a private check-in and kind of pause as the parent and try to figure out what we’re feeling and either validate that or coach ourselves, some self-talk, right, if our child’s not ready to receive that.
I think we have tons of experience in sort of that elementary school age time for kids of okay, I’m going to wait for you to actually be ready to talk with me before I talk with you. Same thing is true for teens, their articulation is a little bit better, words are a little bit fancier, but the same principle applies. We need to wait until they’re ready, then engage and have that three-step kind of conversation with them and also know if that escalation, that elevation that they’re in if that’s leading to a crisis and then kind of engage in that safety that Audrey spoke of earlier.
Cindy Lopez:
So Liberty, really appreciate you sharing what you just did, and I’m wondering if you have some examples or stories you might be able to share that illustrate all the things you’ve been talking about.
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
I can give an example of recently working with some parents who we’re just trying to figure out why is it that when I try to have this conversation with my kid they immediately escalate, they immediately become like this porcupine that’s like sending out needles everywhere, and I did borrow that from a parent, and it’s just like, ooh, I dare you to come towards me, and we try to talk through that situation. I really think that if you’re a parent in a partnered relationship it’s helpful to talk about that situation with your partner, and tell them, hey, I tried to have this conversation and this is how our child responded. Some things might come from that check-in with your partner and one of those could be like, “oh, I tried to have that conversation too. They did the same thing to me,” and I, myself, as the therapist in that moment, I kind of pointed out, hey, wait a minute, you both tried to have this conversation with the teen. You both tried to have it within minutes of each other. You both then engaged not only verbally with the child in person, but also via text. Also followed up later on when you saw them after school. And so you can imagine, right, just putting ourselves in the shoes of the teen if I have like a supervisor or someone who is constantly trying to have the same conversation with me is not even asking me how I’m feeling, if I’m ready to have this conversation. Yeah I’m going to get some porcupine spikes out.
So part of having these difficult conversations with our teens is having that self awareness and also recognizing whether or not the timeliness of this conversation really matters. Like how much do we have to have this conversation now? Can it really wait? Who’s emotions do I have to soothe? Do I have to soothe with my own, do I have to soothe my partners, then do I have to soothe my child? So again, you can implement the three-step model, not only with yourself, maybe with your partner and of course with your child too. So it really has some applicability in a lot of different situations.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah and you talked about emotions both you and Audrey. Can you talk a little bit more about naming your emotions? What does that look like?
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
You know that name it to tame it concept that Audrey talked about, it applies to kids, it applies to parents for sure. Audrey, maybe you could go over for parents, but for kids, I always like to tell them, if you can identify what you’re feeling, and sometimes we’re feeling multiple feelings at one time, you will then be able to figure out what you need. First step is like what am I dealing with right now? What are my emotions and what do I need to navigate that? So if you don’t have that foundation, if you don’t name your feeling first you don’t know which direction to go. You don’t know if a nap would be helpful. Some upbeat music might be helpful. There’s so many options. So I always like to tell teens, like, first let’s work on that awareness of what you’re feeling, what you’re going through, and then let’s work on building your sort of repertoire of coping strategies that you could use to deal with that feeling.
Audrey Schield, ASW:
I think Liberty, you got it, right. It is something we practice throughout our life and it doesn’t really change. As we get older, we develop a greater ability to empathize, to compare ourselves to others, and one of the things that we can do with this as adults and parents is know when it’s ours or someone else’s emotion.
And when we’re checking in, like Liberty said, if it is ours, what is not just the emotion name, how strong is it? Sometimes with younger kids, especially, I’ll say maybe we don’t know the name of this emotion yet, maybe we just know how strong it is or if it’s an uncomfortable or comfortable emotion, maybe it’s not even an emotion really it’s just a level of energy. So finding different ways to label emotions can also be useful for people who have experiences related to neurodiversity. So I like to explore with everyone, what’s your experience of emotion in your body? So you can name it to tame it your way.
Cindy Lopez:
So as we think about these conversations with our kids as a parent or caregiver it changes every day, right? Kids change, their experiences are different every day. Families change, the dynamics change. So are there different ways to go about this or is it a cookie cutter kind of approach?
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
It is definitely not a cookie cutter approach and it is okay and necessary to diversify to learn as a parent. I think it’s necessary for us to be willing to grow alongside our children. So typically parenting is like, we’re just planting seeds so that we can enjoy sitting under the shade of it for years from now, but the truth is planting seeds, it takes a lot of knowledge. It takes a lot of navigating, when weather’s changing, soil is changing, all that good stuff. So children are just as dynamic. Teens are definitely dynamic and growing; they’re also listening. So they may not be internalizing and activating right away what we are talking about with them, but they are receiving, sometimes it feels like it’s that in one ear out the other. But, you know, they are receiving it, which means based off of their interactions with their parents, other adults, other friends, everyone that they are sort of socially learning and socially engaging from. It means their responses can really shift the way that they communicate, the way they prefer to even have conversations. All of that can shift. So as adults, the best thing we can do is ask, I mentioned this earlier, and it’s that idea of sort of letting your teen be the expert of themselves, the expert of their body, of their feelings.
So check in with them and ask them you know what it is they’re feeling, what it is they’re going through, maybe they prefer taking a walk and talking about this as opposed to having this conversation in the car. Maybe you’ve just said something, it’s upset them and instead of backing off you can try to also figure it out and apologize and say, “what did I just do?” And that gives them the power to say what they’re feeling, what they’re going through, what their perspective is on it. Now this feels very backwards to a lot of that sort of authoritarian type of way of parenting, like, because I said so, right, kind of final line, and I’m a child of that, that phrase so I know it works, but at the same time we are a lot about that exploration, that growth, that learning, that connection So, I think parenting is shifting just as much as children/teens are shifting these days.
Cindy Lopez:
I was thinking about the kids or the teens who may not be able to name their emotions, and Audrey you alluded to that when you said at least maybe we can talk about the strength of your emotions, right? I think that that’s also important for our listeners to hear that sometimes our kids may not be able to name their emotions. Sometimes I can’t name my emotion you know, and having other ways to get to it is good, but also sometimes that could be a cue, maybe this is not the time to do this, like I can step back and come back to it again. So just wondering what your thoughts are about that?
Audrey Schield, ASW:
I love that and couldn’t agree more, especially with children who were growing up in a bilingual world. It’s hard to translate what your body and mind are telling you into language. And so giving that to friends versus teachers and then family. That word for what you’re feeling might change. I have folks who use colors for their emotions. It depends, like Liberty said, on what the teen wants. They are the expert in how they feel and what best reflects that. And they’re not always going to get it right because sometimes when they say,” I don’t know” if we ask them, how do you feel? They really don’t know. And that’s hard for them, and it’s hard for us. Weathering the storm means we might get a little wet, an umbrella doesn’t keep us a hundred percent dry, and it still is better than getting soaked.
Cindy Lopez:
Does a lot of what you’ve been talking about apply to kids of all ages, or is it mostly just kind of tweens and teens we’re talking about.
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
It really does go across the lifespan. I think as parents you start worrying about your child like before they are even breathing in the outside world, right? So I don’t think that that worrying stops. I don’t think that the struggling for conversation stops. I think it is kind of lifelong. So across all ages I think this is a dynamic that lots of families and systems may have to deal with, and it should and could evolve with those different family stages, if the child’s in college or if the child’s about to get married or, you know, at any of those points, it’ll look differently, but I think some of those foundational things will still be there.
Audrey Schield, ASW:
Absolutely. And when they’re toddlers, when I’m engaging in play therapy with families, I’m thinking about how we use elements of this model and have parents model naming their emotions, whether that’s pointing to their faces to help increase insight, developing the emotional literacy, or there physically showing okay this is me pausing and inviting you to think maybe there is a big emotion in the room. Something changed here. Second step, name the emotion. I wonder if it’s because you’re hungry. I wonder if it’s because we didn’t sleep well last night and you’re feeling tired. Do you want to talk to me, do you want to take a nap. And guiding through those steps.
Sometimes it’s also just co-regulating or like what Liberty was saying, leaning in, staying in the room. Sometimes the big emotion is there and we don’t use words. It’s not the time to talk about it and a younger child doesn’t want the parent to leave. We can just be present. We can model regulating our emotions by just being with them.
Cindy Lopez:
Thank you for that. When should parents seek help if they do think that something else might be going on or something deeper, and what would that look like?
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
Parents have their own manners of problem solving and seeking out help themselves. I think that books are always something that folks go to, quick internet search, all of that good stuff, right, just to figure out where we’re at, wrap our heads around things. So, absolutely those are great resources, podcasts like this one of course, great resources as well.
I think incorporating a lot of parenting allies is another thing that parents should consider, so whether those are your teen’s coaches, teachers, just other adults who are trustworthy, who are able to walk alongside your child, that is a great place to start, and oftentimes, already built into your child’s system, their network of people. So, you know, start there of course.
And things can escalate, things can get a little bit more challenging, and we need to figure out if we are in a crisis. I think we’ve said it enough and many times is checking in with the child, and they may or may not be able to articulate if it’s quote unquote “really bad right now,” but some teens can and they can compare it to the years they’ve lived in, and we can know that something has changed. And likewise parents, you check in with yourself and you know whether or not this is beyond me, and beyond a Google search truly. So finding out what next steps are, can be challenging, but we have community resources, agencies like CHC, that can even just help with some coaching parents through different things. And of course there’s crisis support lines that I really can’t emphasize enough as places. Yes, I think we think of, you know, I’m in a crisis, I need to call a hotline. I need immediate help. Absolutely use those resources for that, and there’s also phone numbers and quote unquote “crisis lines, help lines” that are still just there if you need someone to talk to. You haven’t set up or established a therapist yet, you haven’t figured out what supports are necessary. So those can be great places to find support for yourself or for your teen. A lot of them are available 24/7, and I can give the example of the Trevor project for LGBTQ youth, they have an amazing support help system where you can get connected with someone online, get connected with someone by phone or text message, whether you’re a parent, whether you’re a child, whether you’re in a crisis or whether you just need someone to talk to.
Cindy Lopez:
So, for our listeners, Liberty just mentioned some resources for you. Please check out the resources in our show notes. If you need help please feel free to reach out to CHC as well. You can contact our care team careteam@chconline.org. You can call us at (650) 688-3625. We are here and we went to help you. So please reach out. So Liberty and Audrey thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us today about this topic of parenting and weathering the storm. I’m wondering as we wrap up if there’s any final comments that you want our listeners to know?
Audrey Schield, ASW:
It’s okay not to be okay. We know that it is hard sometimes, so it’s okay to ask for help.
Liberty Hebron, LPCC:
It truly is okay to ask for help. I think we do need to recognize that parents are seeking it by listening to this. You’re seeking it I’m sure in so many different ways that proverbial oxygen mask definitely needs to go on ourselves before we can help others. We cannot give what we do not have. So if we don’t have that sort of patience that grace for ourselves, for our family, we’re not going to be able to give it to others as well. So, I also want to thank parents for weathering the storm. It is certainly not easy and you all are doing the best you can just as your child is and it is noticed, it’s definitely noticed.
Cindy Lopez:
Thank you for those words and for your advice and expertise and to our listeners thank you for joining us today. We hope that you’ve gained some knowledge and insights, some tools that you can use, and we hope you’ll listen in again next week.
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