March 20, 2021
Cindy Lopez:
[00:00:00] Welcome to Voices of Compassion, CHC’s podcast series providing courage, connection and compassion, highlighting topics that matter to our community, our parents, families, educators and other professionals. I’m Cindy Lopez and I’m honored that you’re listening today. Are you a parent of a child who learns differently? If so, you’re probably navigating a challenging and often unfamiliar landscape as you work to support your child and make sure he or she has every opportunity to succeed. Our guest Dewey Rosetti draws from her own experience as a parent of a child with learning differences, who is now a highly successful adult. So join us for this podcast episode with our guest, Dewey Rosetti, who shares her journey as a parent of a person who learns differently and also an author of a new book, Bright Kids who Struggle in School. Dewey, is there anything else you’d like to share with our listeners about yourself?
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:01:03] Yes, my book is actually about not just my daughter, who I use as an example of success and luckily she is. She’s 30 now. But, it is more about all of the people I met over the 15 years that other parents and I ran an organization called Parents Education Network. And we started it as a result of having had our kids educated at the Charles Armstrong school, which is a special school for kids with dyslexia, and we learned so much there that we shared it with a lot of parents. I met hundreds of parents and kids who were very successful, and that’s where I take my tips from.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:01:47] Yeah, that’s great. Also, you know, it’s really nice to know that as a parent you’re not alone, there are other people who are on a similar journey. And then just thank you so much for putting that all into a book, I realized that that was probably a big project and a big commitment, so thank you for doing that. So Dewey, I’m wondering when parents hear from a teacher that their child is struggling, their first thought is usually something like, “oh my gosh, what’s wrong.” So was that also how you started your journey? Can you talk a little bit about that?
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:02:21] Absolutely. Luckily our older daughter, who is biological, actually had some problems when she was starting school and hers were different kinds of problems of course, and it was a girls school, but we went ahead and sent our other daughter to this girls school, Melissa who the book is about. And we were surprised, but we had already worked with the school, in supporting our other daughter. So they just assumed that this one would come right along like she did, and first grade, second grade, third grade, she wasn’t learning to read and it was devastating, it really was for the whole family. And it was very helpful to me that the teachers tried so hard to understand her and they tutored her, but they didn’t have the right methodology for teaching a dyslexic kid. And in those days in the nineties, dyslexia was kind of the D word, was not used, it wasn’t understood at all, like it is now. And so you know, we had a lot of emotional fallout from her, which was the signal that we had, that we had to move her to another school, which we did finally. But, four years of her sinking self-esteem, it was devastating for our family.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:03:39] Yeah, and even still today, there is some stigma around learning differences and dyslexia and mental health and learning issues. So at CHC, for example, that’s one of the things that we are all about, trying to build that awareness and also reduce some of that stigma. So really appreciate you candidly sharing your story and this book. So Dewey, thinking about the teacher, telling the parent that their child is struggling, knowing what you know now, like how might your response be different?
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:04:14] Oh that is such a great question because I’ve often asked it myself, but this was in the nineties and my daughter is now 30 and I have been working since the nineties in this field. I had switched my interests from before, and I have gotten fascinated with this field of neuroscience and learning. And what I know now, I would have taken her out of school. This sounds very dramatic and it is absolutely true. If I had her in school now I would have taken her out the day they told me she was struggling or the day she told me she was struggling, which was the second week of kindergarten where she said, “I can’t sound it out mom.” I would know right away that there’s no problem here, you just have to get on it and, and figure out what she’s talking about. She was so clear: she said, I can’t sound it out and all the girls can, I don’t know what that means. She might as well be saying, you know, I can’t hear the sounds and make sense of them. So, oh I would do it totally differently and with confidence.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:05:20] Yeah. Yeah. It’s so interesting that your daughter was able at such a young age to say, mom, I, I can’t sound it out.
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:05:30] She truly was like that always, could really express herself even so little, six years old.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:05:36] That’s great because that is one of the things that we really want to teach our kids is self-advocacy and with confidence, how can they talk about what they need and get what they need in order to be successful. So if you were talking to a parent today who has this kindergartener, the kindergartener may not be able to articulate like your daughter did what’s going on, but they know something’s not quite right. What would you say to that parent today?
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:06:05] Well, the first thing I would do is calm them down because I know what the reaction is having lived through that and seeing so many other parents live through it. And I would calm them down with the science. And I would talk about what I talk about in my book, which is normalizing the situation for them. I would say there is new science now that you must make yourself aware of so that you understand where your child fits in, in terms of a population of people who are each individually so different, neural-wise, if that’s a word, I’m making that word up, but neurodiversity is something I talk about now with so much more ease and I think it calms people down. They have to understand that the most important thing to know about their child is the individuality. And they have to start looking for the strengths that are going to make their kids strong. And I, I’ve been able to calm people down, but you have to say how many other people are in this position. And I don’t like statistics cause I think they change as soon as they’re out of your mouth, but 1 in 5 is a really important number to get out there so that they know they’re really not alone. And there are lots of other kids struggling, even in their child’s own classroom. It’s the isolation that’s so scary and the fact that you think you’re the only parent who’s had to deal with this. And there’s so much more now, information and understanding that I try to get that out without flooding them with too much and get them to calm down and see that this is a totally manageable situation.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:07:52] Yeah, that’s great, it’s great advice. So 1 in 5 people have dyslexia, right. And so that means I, I often hear Rosalie Whitlock in my head cause I remember her saying this that means that even if you are not affected by it or someone in your family, you know somebody who is, it’s your neighbor, it’s your child’s friend, it’s whoever, but there is someone that is affected. And I don’t mean that to sound negative because as you also noted, this idea of neuro-diversity. So our brains, we are all wired differently. So thinking of that Dewey, we have an education system that tends to be one size fits all, right? So how does that not work for our kids?
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:08:43] In so many ways. You know one of the things I do with parents new to the topic is I point out famous people who are dyslexic or have ADHD and have come out about it and written books about it. And I think that’s what did it for me. Chuck Schwab was, in 2001, which was right around when we were dealing with the worst of it, was when he was on the cover of Fortune magazine as a dyslexic, you know, business genius, really. I mean, everyone acknowledged and we showed that picture to my daughter. And more importantly, I show it all the time and talk to people all the time about the successful people with a difference that they struggled with school with, that’s kind of the bottom line.
[00:09:30] I think what really helps, is to understand the new science, you know, there are so many strides made in the last 20, 15, 10 years in neuroscience, understanding why individuals are so different and how different they are. And this brilliant neuroscientist, Todd Rose has written a number of books, and now he is the head of a think tank, spreading the science, and it is called the Science of the Individual. And his book is written really for a lay person, it’s called, The End of Average. And he kind of debunks the idea that there is an average person that performs in a certain way that we should be compared to and then ranked against, it makes no sense when you say it out loud like that. And he hammers the point home, which is obviously our education system is failing our kids because it doesn’t have anything to do with the kids. It has to do with this mythical average person that you’re compared to and ranked against on testing, even in grade levels, you know, that a kid would be ready for a certain curriculum item, that all kids would be ready at a certain age; it’s just absurd when you think about it and that’s what it’s all based on. So slowly but surely we’re trying to get that point across and he is, with his books. I am with my book, which is to say, we can’t accept this. One size fits all doesn’t have anything to do with developing your child and individual talents.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:11:03] Yeah. So Dewey’s book, titled Bright Kids Who Struggle in School, by Dewey Rosetti, it’s Rosetti, you can find it at Amazon and also please share a review on Amazon as well. You will see that link in our show notes, our description and on our podcast webpages. So Dewey, what do you think about this idea of average or normal?
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:11:31] Average and normal are two bad words and, you know, there’s a great speaker named Jonathan Mooney who came out with a book just this year. And I’ve worked with Jonathan Mooney for the whole 20 years that I’ve been in this area because he is a dyslexic, a guy who graduated from Brown University and has gotten all kinds of awards for his books and his speaking. But his book, I think it is so apropos, he says normal sucks. Basically he debunks, in a humorous way, telling his three kids that you know there is no such thing as normal, and they shouldn’t try to strive for something that doesn’t exist. And that he had to kind of figure out that he wasn’t normal and that was good. He, you know, he wasn’t like other kids.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:12:19] Thank you for tuning in. Just a note, before we continue on with today’s episode, we hope you’re following us on social media, so you don’t need to wait a whole week between episodes to get engaging, inspiring and educational content from CHC. Our social handles are linked on our podcast webpage at podcasts.chconline.org.
[00:12:42] Different is normal, right. I mean, like I know the word normal we’re trying to get away from that, but different is what we all are.
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:12:51] It’s the norm. And that’s what the End of Average actually stresses. And that’s why that is a scientific book, but it is written for people who are not scientists. And Todd Rose actually assigns three different characteristics to the study of the science of the individual. And I love the first principle and I think we should Institute this language everywhere for kids and adults, which is the jagged profile – everyone has one. And it means that everyone has strengths and everyone has challenges, even the most brilliant, especially sometimes the most brilliant scientists, ‘cause they tend to be very kind of devoted to one area and otherwise they’re not interested. So, uh, they have a lot of challenges, sometimes even social challenges, and then how to deal with that and how to use that idea, the jagged profile, helping your child explain himself to other people and find his own pathway, which is the second uh principle, there is always more than one pathway to success or to an avenue for a child to figure out how to emphasize his strengths. And then the third concept, which is so useful I think is that context really matters when you’re talking about the jagged profile – strengths and challenges. And if you get yourself thinking in that mode and change your mindset from the idea that your child, how does he rank with other kids has nothing to do with who your child is, and start to think of him in this very individualistic way, it makes a huge difference, you can’t go back to thinking the other way.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:14:31] Yeah, I know that there are some schools who are able to look at the child as a whole and create a kind of personalized plan for the child. So when we can start looking at students as individuals and start thinking about them in terms of how can we help them understand who they are and how can we help them cultivate their strengths and understand their challenges.
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:14:59] I think when they’re older, their experiences help them create their own pathway and see and take charge of their own profile and how to learn what they need to learn to satisfy themselves, or make themselves happy in a certain field that they have discovered that they’re good at. And now that you’re saying that I’d like to introduce another idea, another book called the Strength Switch and it’s very new. I think it just came out a couple of years ago and the woman is named Lea Waters, she’s in Australia, and she is part of the positive school of psychology and she calls [it] strength-based parenting, but her book is called Strength Switch. I just did a book club on this last night on Zoom and the parents were fascinated with the idea of changing their behavior because when your child is struggling, you tend to want to fix them and you can’t help it. You want to have them not fall behind. You know, we’re so obsessed with kids falling behind in grade level, he’s not up to grade level. Well, where is he in terms of who he is? Is what you’re trying to do. And so she says, we need to change our dialogue with our kids about building on your strengths. And some of the ideas parents had last night after reading the first hundred pages were just so successful it was really wonderful to watch. And they said, you know, it’s hard to take your focus away from fixing and learn how to address strengths and develop them because that’s really your job.
Cindy Lopez: [00:16:34] So Dewey, I’m wondering as we wrap up this episode, if there is one thing that you hope our listeners would take away from this episode, what would that be?
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:16:44] Well, the one thing I’d like everybody to take away is that if you can think about seeing your child as an individual with his own strengths and challenges and not be swept up in the competition of competing with the kid who happens to think the way the classroom is designed. We all get pulled into that. If you can discard that and try really hard to understand who your child is, that is the road to his success, and understand what you can do to help him develop his strengths. And the strengths are the key to minimizing the challenges that get in his way and understanding what a strength is, which is basically something Lea Waters points out again, focus on looking for the things that are easy for your child and compliment him on those and see if he can stay focused for a long time, cause that’s a key to developing a passion. And the passion leads to practicing and developing and so forth. So it’s a different mindset and you have to kind of start with what is my mindset about my child? Am I supposed to fix him or am I supposed to go with who he is and develop it, and that’s what I hope parents get out of my book. And feel a little more relaxed about the idea that they have a kid who’s different cause all kids are different.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:18:13] Dewey thank you so much for joining us today and sharing your heart and your experience and your knowledge on this topic. And I want to also let parents know or let our listeners know that CHC is here for you. If you have questions or concerns about your child, we have free parent consultations. You can learn more at chconline.org, and we also do evaluations of children and that just helps you understand more about the child’s strengths and challenges. And of course remember Dewey’s book, Bright Kids Who Struggle in School. You can find it on Amazon and she’d love for you to read it and share a review. So Dewey again, thanks so much for being with us today.
Dewey Rosetti:
[00:18:55] Thank you very much, Cindy. I appreciate it.
Cindy Lopez:
[00:18:58] To all of our listeners, thank you for joining us, and we hope you’ll join us again next week.
[00:19:02] Find us online at podcasts.chconline.org. Also, please follow us on our socials. Find us on Facebook at chc.paloalto and Twitter and Instagram at CHC_paloalto. You can also visit our YouTube channel at chconlinepaloalto. And we are on LinkedIn. Subscribe to Voices of Compassion on Apple podcasts, Spotify and other podcast apps, and sign up for a virtual village email list so you never miss an update or an episode. I always love to hear from you so send me an email or a voice memo at podcasts@chconline.org or leave us a rating and review. We look forward to you tuning in each week. After all we are in this together. See you next week.
