June 8, 2022
Cindy Lopez:
Welcome. My name is Cindy Lopez, the host of this CHC podcast, Voices of Compassion. We hope you find a little courage, feel connected and experience compassion every time you listen.
You know, it seems like every day there’s another headline in the media related to mental health. So it’s no wonder that parents are wondering how to talk with their teens about mental health, well at the same time wanting to protect their kids from experiencing any distress or anxiety that could lead to more significant mental health issues. As parents, it’s not always easy to know how to start that conversation, and research shows that one in five youth experiencing distress felt that they didn’t have someone that they could turn to in a crisis. So it’s important for parents to have those conversations with your teens now. Listen to this podcast episode as we talk with CHC clinical services expert, Dr. Tracy Cavaligos about how you can talk with your teen about this important issue.
Welcome Dr. Cavaligos.
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
Thank you so much for having me. I specialize in working with adolescents and young adults, and I’m really excited to be here to talk a little bit about how caregivers can talk to their teens about mental health because it can be really hard to do, and they’re not alone in having these conversations.
Cindy Lopez:
As we think about the past couple of years, mental health has become more and more of a topic of conversation because we are so impacted by mental health issues. It’s interesting though because I think in some ways at least pre-COVID maybe as a society it seems like we would just ignore mental health issues, right? So if we don’t talk about it, it’ll just go away. And we know that’s not the case, especially as we hear about another death by suicide among our youth or we just look at the data regarding mental health, especially over the past couple of years. So why do you think that we’re so reluctant to talk about these things Dr. Cavaligos?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
So there are a lot of different factors that impact a caregiver’s ability to have these conversations. On a larger scale mental health stigma can stop us from talking about it. People may feel like they need to be experts on these topics before talking about mental health to their teens, which is definitely not true. On an individual level people could feel uncomfortable talking about mental health. It requires a lot of bravery, emotional vulnerability, and parents don’t ever want to imagine their kid in pain. There can also be worry that if we talk about mental health then teens will start to think about these things, like if I say the word suicide or depression that it’s going to put these topics on their kids’ minds, and then they’ll start to be depressed or think about death, for example, but that is totally a myth. We know from experience and research that kids are already thinking these things, and they’re curious. They might not know what’s going on or how to talk about it or name these feelings or questions, but it’s so important we dive in and talk to one another. Caregivers can use these as opportunities to create an understanding environment that lets their kids’ know that they can talk to their parents. They can also model how to have tough conversations, which will give their teens confidence that their parents can be a safe space in the storm for them.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah, it’s so interesting the stigma piece that we still as a society don’t want to talk about it, right? And as you said, if you’re a parent of a child who’s dealing with mental health issues, it’s hard. You don’t want to think your child is going through that. So thinking about being a parent or a caregiver of a child who needs help with mental health or regulating emotions or their significant anxiety, what do you think is the most important thing to remember as you’re supporting someone with mental health challenges?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
Yeah, so when I mentioned being that safe space for your teen earlier, you can really do that by regulating your own emotions. So notice how you’re feeling about having these conversations, practice some coping skills and even practice discussing these topics with another person beforehand and especially make sure any other adults, such as a co-parent are on the same page. Also, using developmentally appropriate language. We don’t want to talk to a teen the same way we would talk to a five-year-old about their feelings because it can feel pretty condescending and alienate them. So be clear and direct. Don’t be afraid to say words like mental health, depression, anxiety. Talking circles around these topics will only show that you’re feeling uncomfortable and make things more confusing for our teens. Also be aware that the influence we have extends outside these conversations. Our teens are like sponges, and they’re taking in all the information about how we react and talk about mental health. Like you said, when it comes up on the news or maybe a friend is struggling, what are the messages you’re sending to your kids? You can tell them over and over again that they can come talk to you about anything, but if they hear you talking down on others who ask for help, this mismatch is going to be really confusing for them.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah, that’s interesting because as a parent like what are the messages you’re sending to your kids that you aren’t perhaps even aware of? As we already noted, watching your child go through something like this is painful. So how can parents actually regulate their own emotions as they work to support their child?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
Yeah, really great question. It can definitely feel like an emotional roller coaster, right? Like that anticipation is going to grow while you’re waiting and feel really intense beforehand. So once you’re on it, it will get lower. So like I said let it out, like feel the worry or the anger or sadness that you’re having, but don’t let it take over in the moment. The focus is really on your teen, and once you’re on that ride with your kid you’ll be ready to provide them support. So like I said before, practice those coping skills before and during. Try things like deep breathing or grounding techniques to stay present. And during the conversation let your teen feel their emotions and express themselves, including things that might be hard to see or feel like anger or worry or sadness.
Also it’s best not to immediately try to go into problem solving mode because this can feel really invalidating. Maybe think of a time when you had a rough day at work and you came home and you just wanted to vent and talk about what was going on and then the person you’re talking to starts recommending things for you to do like, “oh, you should talk to your boss first thing in the morning,” or “you should try wording your email this way next time,” even though they’re trying to help, it can feel pretty irritating and like you’re not heard and it’s the same thing for your teens. So we really want to validate their emotions. Let them know that they’re heard by utilizing active listening and statements like, “that makes sense. That really sounds hard. I would be really upset if something like that happened to me. I get that you’re angry right now and that sounds really anxiety provoking”… because when we validate the emotion by identifying, connecting to it of what’s being expressed that’s what helps people feel seen and understood. You know, after you’ve done all that, then offer some options: “do you want to vent? Do you want to problem solve or hear advice of what I would want to do? Do you want a distraction or maybe we can talk about something else. How about having your own space right now?” This can empower them to make choices, advocate for themselves and practice telling you what they need in the moment instead of being told what’s best for them.
Mike:
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Cindy Lopez:
So as you started talking Dr. Cavaligos you mentioned first, if you’re a parent or a caregiver, like get your feelings out, right, vent, do what you need to do, but then do some mindfulness or grounding techniques. Could you talk a little bit about like, what’s a grounding technique?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
So a grounding technique is something that brings us back into the moment and into our body. It could be something as simple as just focusing on how we feel within our body. What are your feet feel like on the ground? What’s around you? If you’re in your house or in a comfortable space, maybe finding something that you don’t technically notice or look for because it can pull our attention away from some of those intense feelings and get us back into the moment. It can even help with that practicing of reviewing like, what are you saying? What are you gonna say to your teen to just really bring you into that present moment and listen to what they’re saying.
Cindy Lopez:
I think that’s helpful across so many different relationships and communications, right? So if I’m a parent, how do I know that my child really needs some more support or help?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
There are some periods of time or events that we go through in life where we’re more vulnerable to feeling increased mental health pressure. They can include things like environmental changes, like things going on in our society and in our world. You mentioned the ongoing pandemic on a global scale right now or even things within our own social and familial worlds, like changes in family status, divorce, moves, changing schools. There’s also a period of developmental transition that we all go through, like going from pre-adolescence to being a teenager and teenagers into young adulthood. All of these different transition periods in life have increased stressors that we want to be mindful of – also personal changes. You know your kid, if you see changes like differences in sleeping, eating, the amount of time they’re spending with friends, or even school performance, check in with them about it, you can come from a nonjudgmental point and say something like, “I notice you’ve been having a hard time sleeping these days. Would you like to talk about it?,” and see what they say and what comes up.
Cindy Lopez:
Starting to have those conversations is important, and so we’ve talked a little bit about how can the parent or caregiver kind of start those conversations. How can the individual who’s being impacted by these mental health challenges feel comfortable talking about it?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
Like I said, it takes a lot of bravery and emotional vulnerability to talk about it from anyone in that conversation. So some of that importance comes from hearing that this is a safe place, really feeling like it, opening conversations earlier about what’s going on in everyone’s life, integrating that into your already family dialogue. So it’s a regular part of your day-to-day life and acknowledging that it’s gonna be hard. It’s gonna be uncomfortable. We’re going to feel our feelings in those times. And really building that safe space for your kids so that they know I can come to my parents or my caregiver and talk about how I’m feeling, and they’re not going to freak out on me. You know, I’m not going to immediately get in trouble for saying that I’m angry about something that’s going on. They’ll be able to talk through those feelings, have some options of what they can do and learn to do it because it’s a skill like anything else. We have to learn how to ride a bike. We have to learn how to get on a rollercoaster and feel all the scary things that go with it. It’s the same thing about talking about our emotions and our mental health. So it’s going to be bumpy and it’s going to be hard for our kids, but they’ve got to learn it too. And what better way than to learn it all together as a family.
Cindy Lopez:
So Dr. Cavaligos it’s been so good to talk with you today about this. What do you think from your perspective, what are the top five things we can do to help others experiencing mental health crisis, mental health issues? Like are there things we should say or not say?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD:
So I’ll review the highlights of what we’ve covered so far. First be mindful of how you talk about mental health. Your kids are picking up on that in their day-to-day life, and this is a great time to model our values and our views on mental health without talking directly to our teens. Manage your own distress during these conversations. Be a calm, safe space so that your kids know you can handle it and that you can be a support through the storm. You want them to come back to you when they have questions or they do experience mental health symptoms.
Talk about it, be direct and clear. Don’t be scared of words like suicide, depression, anxiety, mental health. And no, you don’t have to be the expert. It’s okay to say you don’t know. It can be really empowering to say to a kid, “that’s a great question, how about we look that up together and find the answer, cause I’m not sure.” Validate their experiences and their emotions, allow them to feel what they’re feeling, and let them know that they’re heard and understood. We can practice this through empathic and active listening and also fighting that urge to problem solve immediately, which can be hard, cause like we’ve talked about, we never want to see our kids struggle or in pain.
And when they are having a hard time, offer some options, “do you want to talk? We can problem solve together. Would you like some distractions or even to sit here quietly with me.” If there’s any danger to your child or another person also seek professional help, go to an ER or call a mobile crisis team in your area because your child’s safety is of utmost importance. And again, remember, it’s okay to not be the expert. You’ve got it and you’ll be making lasting impressions for your teen’s views on mental health and strengthen your relationship by being that safe space for them to talk openly.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah, I love that, be that space, right? And I think parents, we often feel like we have to fix it. So all of those things that you have prompted our listeners about today in our conversation are so important. I really like that whole thing too about asking your child what they need from you right now. Do you just want to vent? Do you want me to give advice? Do you want to problem solve together? Do you just want to drop it and go find a distraction somewhere. So really, inviting your teen, your child into that conversation with you can be really empowering for the child.
So, and a couple more things for our listeners we actually have other podcast episodes that might be of interest to you. We have one on self-harm. We have several on communicating with your teens in different ways. So please feel free to look at some of those previous podcast episodes, and also to our listeners please feel free to reach out to us. We have people who can help you at CHC. We have people who can help your child at CHC. You can reach out to our care team at careteam@chconline.org, and they can help you get connected to the right services, and we also have free parent consultations. So you might be thinking, I don’t know if I’m really ready for an appointment, but what I really just want is to talk and to see what’s next. So those free parent consultations are a good tool for that as well. So Dr. Cavaligos, thank you so much for joining us today, sharing your expertise, sharing your experience. I think you’ve really given our listeners a lot to think about, especially as they talk about mental health with their kids and to our listeners thank you for joining us.
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