January 5, 2021
Cindy Lopez:
Hi, I’m Cindy Lopez and I’m happy to welcome you to our Voices of Compassion podcast series, where we hope you’ll find a little courage, some connection and a whole lot of compassion. We are all feeling the strain of living under one roof these days. It has been a strange time for families, sheltering in place, school at home, work at home. And the best of circumstances, it can be somewhat overwhelming. Our episode today focuses on family dynamics while sheltering in place. If there ever was a need for compassion, it certainly is now. Hear about strategies you can use to reduce the strain with your family and respond with compassion. Our guest today is Jennifer Leydecker, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Clinical Program Manager here at CHC. She’s trained to support LGBTQ youth manage difficult behaviors of tweens and teens, depression, anxiety, self-harm, crisis intervention and trauma focused therapy. We’re so fortunate to have Jennifer here with us today to share her experience and insights. Jennifer, is there anything else you’d like to share with our listeners about yourself?
Jennifer Leydecker:
Yeah, I think in thinking about this podcast, one of the things that I go back to is I’m a working mom. So I am doing Zoom in the morning with my daughter who’s in school and then also balancing twin toddlers at the same time. So a lot of these things some of it comes from direct experience and then also supporting families in our community as well.
Cindy Lopez:
Wow, twin toddlers, you have a busy household. So cute though, that’s one of my favorite ages. So just thinking about families under one roof right, it’s been a strange time for families this past, what has it been now, is it eight months, nine months, sheltering in place, school at home, work at home. And this type of role strain takes its toll on parents and families. So can you talk a little bit about that role strain and its impact on family dynamics?
Jennifer Leydecker:
Yeah I think with the idea of so many things going on in the household now, parents are working from home, they’re balancing their kind of day job that they used to be able to walk out the door and leave behind and then also the idea of now managing teaching and keeping up with schoolwork in real time, in the home and then whatever else comes into play – smaller children like I have or parents that are living in the home because we do have a lot of multi-generational households now too; that people are having to be creative and cope with a lot of change and uncertainty. And so with that comes a lot of really big emotions sometimes both for the teens and the younger children trying to understand and missing out on friends and the parents as well, not knowing what to always tell their children and then also missing out on seeing people and having that social connection. And so that then plays itself out at home with figuring out how to have a day-to-day routine and who’s going to do what and how do you balance that and so it creates that strain, both I think within the parent partnership, and then also sometimes in asking the kids to do things that they might not have done before, stepping up with chores or supporting one another in a way that is brand new.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah you mentioned big emotions so can you talk a little bit more about that. So what big emotions might parents be seeing and like what behavior might be indicators of that?
Jennifer Leydecker:
I think sometimes right the big emotion is like sadness that is really underneath missing those social connections that we all would get by leaving the house. And so that sadness and then the anxiety around uncertainty, the kind of dance of back and forth, are we going to school, are we not going to school, or if I go to school am I going to be safe or if I leave the house. And so in both of those sometimes they look either where there’s a lot of like low energy, isolation, or they’re acting out. And so they’re trying really hard to express their emotions and for younger kids they just don’t always have that really great vocabulary and so there’s fights that you used to not have or conflict or things that they used to be really great at doing. They’re really struggling with that and so I think right, for me as a parent something that I’ve come up against is my daughter really likes math and with shelter in place this has been really hard. Doing math homework at home that’s one of the places where she used to really kind of excel and be really comfortable and do it independently and now she needs support because it’s one of those as soon as there’s a little bit of discomfort, because of all the other big emotions, things get hard. And so those are I think the places where it doesn’t make sense all the time and just recognizing that it’s not always about the math or it’s not always about reading, it’s not always about picking up your shoes and socks and doing those kinds of things. It might be that they’re really upset and sad because they haven’t seen their friends in a couple of weeks or months in some cases.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah that’s a good point too, to remember, for parents to remember is like you might be seeing some behavior and you think you know what’s causing the behavior but it may not be what you think. And so you know you’ll probably talk about this but having conversation with your kids about that. And obviously it looks different depending on the age of your kids, but yeah I mean thinking about what we’re all going through right now, the boundaries that used to be present are not, where there used to be more of a separation between home and school and work. So where it kind of was like, three circle venn diagram with some overlap in the middle, now it’s all concentric circles, like everything is happening at home. With all of that happening now under one roof how do you establish healthy boundaries at home and with your family?
Jennifer Leydecker:
I think sometimes it’s starting with the physical space. It’s so counter for us as clinicians especially working with adolescents where we talk about like find a space like outside of your bedroom to do your schoolwork because when you’re in your bedroom and even as adults we want that to be our sanctuary, we want it to be the place that we go to, to relax and to fall asleep at the end of the day. And now I think people’s bedrooms are becoming where they’re doing their work so there’s that difficult crossover where that’s a place where you can close the door and kind of block out the just kind of ambient sound that happens in a household for both teens and children and parents. And so figuring out a way to create within even if you’re in a bedroom where that’s your workspace and if you have everybody at the kitchen table because it makes more sense for parents that are juggling multiple children and teens and in school at the same time that it’s kind of setting it up and then it’s able to be kind of tucked away. So creating those physical boundaries I think can be really helpful and then find a way at a specific time to really turn it off right? That drive home from work or from school really created that physical distance to be able to turn off work in some ways. And so now that work is at home, shutting down. So the computer gets turned off or trying really hard to not check your email on your phone and really pushing the idea of separating as much as you possibly can between work and home even though they’re coexisting right now.
Cindy Lopez:
So Jen, that was interesting you referenced like being able to turn it off. And so for parents, yeah you know making sure that somehow you’d turn off your cell phone and you’re not checking your email after a certain time in the day or something. What about kids, how can parents work with their kids to kind of turn it off or shut it down at a certain time of day. I realize this is a little tricky because we’re on screens all the time now. So part of shutting it down for kids may be that they’re still using some social media I don’t know but I was just wondering if you had thoughts about that?
Jennifer Leydecker:
Yeah I think right for a lot of our teens and preteens that’s how they’re still maintaining a lot of connection with their peers is through social media and FaceTime and things like that. And so I think in the same way, right, with sleep training and with getting kids into a bedtime routine, you create a small space that differentiates between like daytime and then we’re transitioning to nighttime. And so maybe setting up like a ritual of some sort to kind of end the day. So we’re transitioning from schoolwork and work we’re going to play for 30 minutes doing X, Y and Z and then we’re gonna go into getting ready by eating dinner and having our nighttime routine or just giving that space for play in whatever that looks like I think is also really important, where we aren’t staring at a screen because it is hard, it’s hard on our brains, it’s hard on our bodies to be in front of screens all the time. And so even 30 minutes and kind of taking that time, kind of going back to pre-screens where um we have some families that they’ve gone back to board games and card games and that has been something that’s been really fun for the parents because it’s connecting their childhood with their children and so things like that just can create that small space to wind down.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah that’s great, thank you for sharing those, it seems like there’s so much out of our control right now, right. As a parent like you don’t really have control over what the school or the district decides in terms of are you doing distance learning now are you going back to school and apparently right now everybody’s kind of heading back to distance learning. So families are feeling that and that out of control feeling isn’t one that’s comfortable, it’s unsettling, right? So what are some things that we can practice in the families right now that might be helpful?
Jennifer Leydecker:
I think communication is really key and age appropriate communication. So really kind of talking through things and being open to the emotional side of that, that communication. So we all experience emotion, some of us process and work through them differently and it is really important to recognize that. And so in talking with your children about the idea of like I know there was thoughts of going back to school in January and it looks like we’re gonna stay on Zoom. I can imagine that’s really frustrating for you or it does feel uncertain and kind of like acknowledging and rolling with the idea that you don’t even know, right. So sometimes as parents we try to put on this really strong front of like, I’ve got this. And it’s really important for us to share with our kids that even we don’t know what’s happening at times and not in a way to burden them with that, but the idea of mom and dad are experiencing this, or mom and mom or dad and dad, right? As parents we’re experiencing this, as guardians we are really here with you and so how do you then not overshare but sit with their emotions as well and allow them to talk about them or draw about them or act them out, right. So finding different ways to allow the kids to express themselves.
Cindy Lopez:
Piggybacking on that a little bit, thinking about talking with your kids about what’s going on between COVID or the social justice issues or even the wildfires that we experienced recently, how much is too much to share? Do you have any hints or tips for parents on that and maybe it has to do with age?
Jennifer Leydecker:
Yeah I think in schools I know, right from a young age now even in kindergarten there’s a lot of initiative around social justice. And so for some of the kids that is familiar in that they can understand that people aren’t treated the same and so the idea of if they’re exposed to something where they are asking questions kind of take their lead sometimes, so not shying away from the questions that they’re asking, giving them an answer, kind of starting small that makes sense to them. And then see if they ask a follow-up question. A lot of our kids are really thoughtful and inquisitive and so they may take a minute and then I could see asking a second question. And so giving them kind of bit by bit and see where they take you, cause I think that’s another piece where sometimes we worry if we tell them too much it’ll make things harder for them, they’ll have more of an emotional response. And sometimes in kind of what we’re experiencing too, that uncertainty can also increase our anxiety ‘cause kids also pick up on when we’re not telling them everything. They’re pretty adept at seeing when we’re missing information.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah thank you for sharing those thoughts. Parents right now, under a lot of stress, right, they’re managing all these various roles as we already talked about, that role strain you know things seem out of control, boundaries that were there are no longer there. So I can imagine that lots of parents are out there thinking that they’re reaching their breaking point. So what can parents do to ensure that they don’t reach their breaking point?
Jennifer Leydecker:
We use the analogy of the oxygen mask in the plane often. And so it’s the idea of as a parent you really want to put your oxygen mask on first before you move to taking care of your family. And in that also sense is being able to have the space to do that. And so as a partnership even in like a co-parenting relationship or an extended family relationship the idea of asking for help to be able to create that space and being really creative about it, right. Some families are really abiding by the idea of not mixing households. And so is there a way for you to reach out to your extended family where if your children are old enough they can sit in front of the computer and FaceTime with grandparents even if they’re really far away. So they can do those types of things or in the household as partners giving one another a chance to just go outside for 15 minutes a day or something like that some small break so that in taking care of yourself you’re given that space. Cause I know right now as parents I know for me sometimes I feel like I’m… that kind of push pull of being selfish because I’m taking time for myself when in actuality I need that, we all need that. And so kind of giving that space to your partner or your co-parent to be able to create that moment for themselves to recharge and to put their oxygen mask on. And so finding a way as a community or a family to create those moments I think is really important.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah, that analogy of the oxygen mask is good. Thinking about compassion like some of the things that you were just describing is having a little self compassion. So, what role does compassion play in family dynamics it always has a role but right now especially?
Jennifer Leydecker:
I think it really builds that connection within the family. So, sharing compassion with one another and kind of meeting each other at their level. Being compassionate with your children around the fact that their world doesn’t make sense in a lot of ways, it’s unpredictable, across multiple realms for them right now. And I think also as partners, also being compassionate in that way that we’re all doing the best we can and it’s still hard at the end of the day and so giving that to one another and speaking that out loud as opposed to sometimes we just kind of think we share it but really taking a moment if you can every day to share that compassion and empathy. And also some validation that you understand why they’re upset about the fact that somebody was really loud on Zoom and it was hard to hear your teacher. So even those small moments of expressing that validation and empathy can be really kind of building that connection between family members.
Cindy Lopez:
Was just thinking as you were talking, that empathy has such a pivotal role, such a critical role in compassion and so trying to put yourself in another’s shoes and understand why they’re responding in that way or you know why they’re doing that is always helpful. So if there were one thing that you want to make sure that parents take away from listening to this podcast episode what would that be?
Jennifer Leydecker:
I think as parents the self-compassion piece is huge. We are really wearing so many hats right now and really trying to do the best we can. And at the end of the day sometimes we may not check everything off of our to do list for that day or we may have gotten upset and been emotional and said something and kind of practicing that self compassion and if we need to make a repair recognizing that that’s an important component, but taking the time for yourself to practice that I think is incredibly important and really kind of put that oxygen mask on first.
Cindy Lopez:
Yeah, that compassion piece as well, thinking about yourself and others is so important. So thank you for spending your time with us today, Jennifer, and for all of our listeners, thank you for investing your time with us and make sure to tune in again next week. And please remember that you’re not alone and also to practice a little compassion as Jennifer just said, start with yourself. Thanks so much, Jennifer.
Jennifer Leydecker:
Thank you.
Cindy Lopez:
Find us online at podcasts.chconline.org. Remember that is podcasts with an s. Also, please follow us on our socials. Find us on Facebook @chc.paloalto and Twitter and Instagram at CHC_paloalto. You can also visit our YouTube channel at chconlinepaloalto. And we are on LinkedIn. Subscribe to Voices of Compassion on Apple podcasts, Spotify and other podcast apps, and sign up for a virtual village email list so you never miss an update or an episode. I always love to hear from you so send me an email or a voice memo at podcasts@chconline.org. Again, that is podcasts with an s. Or leave us a rating and review. We look forward to you tuning in each week. After all we are in this together. See you next week.
